Gospel Centered Discipline (December Seminar)

on gospel centered parenting, living an authentic, gospel centered life before our children and this morning our own, senior pastor, Milton Vincent will be discussing gospel centered discipline and so I hope you have come expecting to hear from the Lord and be taught and instructed. I do want to mention a couple of things to you. There are some books. Are we gonna, be able to get the table underneath one of those eaves out there?

It's already there. OK, great. So Tom's got the book table set up out there. And there's a, a couple of titles that we want to come in.

One is Shepherding a Child's Heart, by Ted Tripp. It's a great resource that just covers the whole gamut of parenting from a gospel-centered perspective. You might, be interested just to look at some of the reviews on Amazon.com of that book. there's this whole debate going on about the whole subject of parenting these days.

but we are highly commend that book to you, and, I think it's $10 and then the other one is Growing Up Christian. Now this one is really geared towards people with teen kids, but really anybody that's got children that are growing up in a Christian home, the idea is how do we help our kids embrace Christ for themselves. And, and, and get passionate about the gospel rather than just going through the motions as Christian kids. And so we'd really commend that book to you as well.

And there's other ones out there that you can ask Tom about, some we've mentioned last week, leading Little ones to God and then the, the gospel primers there. but let's just open a word of prayer as, Pastor Milton comes to, instruct us this morning. Lord, we thank you so much that you are, a heavenly Father that cares enough about your children that you give us discipline, and we thank you, Lord, that you've given us instruction in your word. You have not left us without information to help us know how we should raise our children and Lord, we pray that we would learn from you this morning that we'd be reminded of things that perhaps we already know but just need to be encouraged in or perhaps we've forgotten.

And, we ask Lord that you would fill each of us with your spirit, particularly, Pastor Milton as he breaks open your word. And Lord, that we would just be able to worship you this morning as we hear about this important subject. Lord, we just pray for those that have little kids, those that have teenagers, those that don't have any kids at present but will, those that have kids out of the home, and even those that are merely looking for ways to honor their parents, we pray, Father, that this morning would be an encouragement and, to each one and it would glorify your name.

We thank you in the name of Jesus.

Amen. Let's give it up for our pastor, Milton Vincent. good morning. let me have you guys turn to Ephesians 6 because that's where we're gonna start today.

Ephesians chapter 6, I feel an instinct inside of me to take the 1st 20 minutes to throw a bunch of qualifiers at you that I am a sinner. I don't deserve to be a parent. Some of you are far better parents than I am. I don't deserve to be up here, but I'm not gonna, I'm gonna resist that, for the sake of time.

You guys know the drill, that I am a sinner, and, I have much to learn about living the Christian life and about being a parent. I've learned a lot over the years, so much so that I feel like I'm maybe about 2 years away from being a good parent. so this is something that we're learning about all the time, every day, and just when we think we got it figured out, our children, grow to be a day older. And they change and develop as they grow day by day so it keeps you on your feet and keeps you always learning.

Carlos last week, talked about the subject of parenting from more of a general comprehensive, perspective, gospel centered parenting, looking more broadly at, various aspects by way of overview of what is entailed in being a parent to. our children, one of those aspects of being a parent, it's not all that there is to being a parent, but biblically. one of the critical aspects of being a parent is the subject of discipline, and so there's no way that we can, do justice to the subject of parenting this month without taking some time to talk about the subject of discipline and especially because the subject of discipline happens to be the most controversial, arena of parenting.

and there is a tremendous amount of controversy, on this subject, and I don't wanna belabor this, but just by way of introduction, let me just throw out a few things.

people outside of the church, non-Christian people, many of them, who have written book reviews on Amazon.com for shepherding a child's heart, really just scorn the biblical notion of, discipline. And they speak with a tremendous amount of venom against those who would hold to the biblical position they're also Christians godly believers who try to follow the Bible who we believe are misguided on this subject, but they are equally passionate against disciplining, your children and some of them are like on the front lines of.

making the case for why we should not discipline our children, and it sends a confusing signal to, to people, in the church when Christians even are disagreeing so starkly on this, even beyond just the broader thing that's happening, on a national and worldwide scale when it comes to corporal punishment and discipline of children, there's disagreements between husband and wife, and if you've had children for any length of time, it is inevitable that it has happened at some point.

Where one of the spouses, one of you has disciplined your child and the other spouse wasn't quite so thrilled about how you were going about, handling, the situation and, so maybe the husband is dealing with the child in a certain way and the wife is, angry or upset about that and feeling that that is harsh.

What ends up happening sometimes is the wife then comes right along after the husband has left the room, comforts the child, you poor abused baby and. And, basically, undoes everything that the father has sought to, accomplish and children ultimately end up picking up on this and they learn how to play one parent against the other and it can create, disagreements over discipline of children has created, marital discord, and I would say most Christian marriages at some point have experienced a taste of that in individual situations.

Perhaps it has happened to you to where you have been in a public setting or you've been with family, unsafe family or even Christian family and your child is disobeyed and you've needed to do something about that you've taken your child out of the room perhaps the others that are in the house could hear your child crying through the walls and the door and they just take great offense at what you have. have done on the other extreme, there are parents who literally abuse their children.

They emotionally abuse their children, physically abuse their children. In ways that are absolutely inexcusable and discipline their children in anger and they justify themselves with passages of scripture from from the Bible and so there there's a lot of controversy when it comes to the subject of discipline perhaps more so than any other area. Of parenting and so what we wanna try to do today is cut through some of that controversy. We won't be exhaustive or be able to deal with every shade and hue of the issue, but what I wanna do today is, first of all start in Ephesians 6 to infer 4 preliminary truths about parenting from that and that's where we're gonna get launched and then we're gonna look at a biblical definition of discipline.

And then it's not gonna be enough to just discipline your children you need to make sure you're doing it in the right way and so I wanna give you, several instructions or tips on how to discipline your children in a way that will ensure that it has the highest possible chances of being, effective. But let's begin in Ephesians chapter 6. If you don't have your Bibles, you can look on in on on the screen. God speaks to children, and he says, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

That's instruction number 1 to children. Number 2, honor your father and mother, which is the first command with a promise. So there are two instructions given to children. When God sits your child down and has only one or two things to say to them, the first thing out of God's mouth is obey your mom and your dad and.

Honor your mom and your dad. And with that command comes a promise in verse 3, Paul says, so that it may be well with you, the child, not obey your parents so that it may go well with them, and so that you can help them to have a good day, but so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. And then speaking to, moms and dads, specifically to fathers who provide leadership in the marriage relationship and in the parenting of children, he says, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath.

And again, he's not saying moms can provoke their children to wrath, but only the dads can't.

He's speaking to both, but the father provides leadership. So fathers and mothers, do not provoke your children to anger. But bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. So just looking at that, we're gonna exposit this text in a, in a few weeks as a part of our Ephesians series.

in fact, this is the next passage we're gonna come to. All I wanna do today is just throw 4 preliminary truths at you about parenting that we can infer from just these verses. Truth number 1, God commands your children to obey you. God commands your children to obey you and to honor you.

That is what God says to your children. And then secondly, obedience to you is the path of divine blessing for your children. Is that not clear from the passage? God says, children obey your parents, honor your parents, and here is my promise that it may go well with you and that you may.

Live long upon the earth and so it's very evident from just those verses that the place of divine blessing for your children is to obey you all right? when your children are not obeying you they're outside of the place of God's blessing. for them, just based on that alone, if you're a parent and you truly love your children and you truly want your children to experience God's blessing, you want your children to experience the very best in life, if you love your children and want that for your children, you will want them to be in the place of blessing.

Amen.

And the place of blessing is to obey you because that's what God tells them to do and then gives them the promise. we can also learn from these, early verses in Ephesians 6 that parenting involves the use of discipline. That's not all that there is to parenting. but it does involve the use of discipline.

Paul says, bring them up, your children, and the discipline, and that is the biblical word for discipline that's used in Hebrews 12, speaking of God's discipline of us as his children. and so he's saying, bring up your children in the discipline. Of the Lord. So parenting, whatever else it entails, does entail the use of discipline.

There's one other thing that we can infer from verse 4 of Ephesians 6, and that is that something apparently is wrong with your children that makes them require corrective discipline and corrective instruction. think about it. The two words in Ephesians 6:4, bring them up in the discipline. That's a corrective term.

You don't discipline someone who's perfect. Jesus would never need to be disciplined because he is perfect and implies there's something wrong. in the life of the person that's being disciplined, it's a corrective term. And then even the word instruction or admonition that he uses in Ephesians 6:4, he says discipline and basically nuheo, which is a word that means admonition, and that implies that there's something wrong with the person being admonished biblically.

you don't just walk up to someone who's done absolutely nothing wrong and admonish them. admonition implies that there's something wrong in the life of the person you are seeking to admonish. And so when God says, bring up your children in the discipline, that's corrective and new that oh of the Lord, that's corrective, what that implies is your children need correcting. That's very clear.

it implies that something is wrong with your children that makes them require corrective discipline and corrective instruction, teaching us that parenting, amongst other things, is essentially a corrective ministry. It's a ministry of fixing. It's a ministry of repair. it's a ministry of correction.

the Bible teaches basically that at conception, And when your child comes out of the womb and you're looking at this beautiful baby being held in your arms, the Bible teaches you that yes, that baby bears the image of God, and there's a lot of divine beauty that is in your child, though it is marred because of the fall. But the Bible also teaches that because of original sin, that beautiful infant in your arms is a diseased sinner. a disease center, it is born with a serious and a fatal flaw.

God has put you in that child's life so that you can be an agent of correcting that thing that is wrong with your child.

In fact, if you think you do everything else right but you don't correct this problem, your child suffers in hell forever. So this is very serious. and don't take my word for it. Biblically, David, after committing adultery and murdering Uriah and behaving in ways that I'm sure months and years earlier he would have never dreamed he was capable of, comes to the realization in Psalm 515 saying, Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity.

And in sin did my mother conceive me. In other words, I was born a sinner and all of this stuff that I've done, adultery and murder, this was David being David. This was me being the man that I was born to be. This is this disease that that I was born with just merely manifesting itself.

Proverbs 22:15, Solomon says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. A biblical truth about your child is. That foolishness is bound up in their heart, and that word bound up means to be in league together, to conspire together. Almost literally the picture is that inside of the heart of your child are soldiers of foolishness that have linked up their efforts together to bring destruction to your child.

And when he says foolishness, he's not talking about silliness and your child's gonna laugh at silly things. It's not talking about that. Read through the book of Proverbs and you find that foolishness is something that is spiritually fatal. It results in ruin it is moral foolishness, a refusal to acknowledge God's rightful place in a person's life and that's, that's your child is born with those soldiers of foolishness that have leagued together.

And their heart conspiring together to bring about your child's destruction. Jeremiah 17:9, something that's true of every person, including all of us. The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick. Your child is born just like you were born with a desperately sick heart, and so your child is born bearing the image of God.

There is something of God's beauty in your child, but it is seriously marred because of sin. And these other statements that we just have seen in these passages are unfortunately true regarding your child, and God places you in their life so that you can be used by God to bring correction. Correction is an intensely positive word. When I was a kid we would hand in our exams.

Our teacher would say, Give me your papers. I need to correct them. But she didn't use the the word correct the way that the Bible does she just meant she would mark what we got wrong she didn't fill in the right answers. That's truly what correcting is correction is you take something that's wrong, that's broken, that's bent over, that's defiled, and you repair that and essentially parenting is a repair ministry it is a transformation ministry it is a ministry of correction.

And so this is, this is not a great way to start out. It's not, you don't want, as soon as your baby comes out of the womb to be thinking all of these thoughts about, my child is a sinful savage and. you don't wanna think about those things, but biblically you'd better comprehend those things or the way you go about parenting your children is gonna be significantly and even fatally flawed. Listen to what the Minnesota Crime Commission said in 1926.

Any crime commission today would never say this, but in 1926, as they did a study on why do people turn out delinquent, why do some children. Turn out delinquent and others don't, and here's what they say. Every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered.

He wants what he wants when he wants it his bottle, his mother's attention, his playmate's toys, his uncle's watch, or whatever. Deny him these and he seethes with rage and aggressiveness, which would be murderous were he not so helpless. I remember that look. On the faces of my children at a very young age and I, the thought went through my mind they would kill me if they could because they did not get something that they wanted and I'm convinced that's why God gives us children in such a small body because if they came with adult bodies they would kill everyone in their path who did not give them what they wanted.

look at this, he's dirty. He has no morals, no knowledge, no developed skills. This means that all children, not just certain children, but all children are born delinquent. And if permitted to continue in their self-centered world of infancy, given free reign to their impulsive actions to satisfy each want, every child would grow up a criminal, a thief, a killer, a rapist.

sobers us to the role that we must play in the lives of our children who are born in original sin. Ted Tripp says it will also. He says children are not born morally and ethically neutral. The child's problem is not an information deficit.

His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the sweetest little baby that allowed to blossom and grow to fruition, will bring about his eventual destruction. And there are parents who get this notion of original sin wrong and it affects the way they parent their children they think my child is born morally neutral in fact my child is born good and so I will protect my child from evil influences and I will just try to nourish my child and let this beauty just blossom out of them.

that is naive and it contradicts scripture.

We need to be aware of the reality of original sin, not only in us but also in our children. And just like Proverbs 22:15, Solomon says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. They're born with that problem, but the rod of correction will drive it far from them. There's a place for discipline in the life of your child to deal with that foolishness, that sin that is in them.

And so, let's move on from those preliminary realities to just, taking a little bit of time to look at what discipline is biblically. And piecing together data that is in scripture, I think this is at least a workable definition of biblical discipline, and that is, it is the loving introduction of pain. Into the life of your child so as to train him or her in righteousness. It is the loving introduction of pain into the life of your child so as to train him or her in righteousness.

You're gonna see this definition on some future slides, so if you're not able to write it all down right now, you'll be able to, to catch up and do that. But I wanna focus on three words loving, pain, and righteousness. First of all, it's the loving introduction of pain. It's not the hateful introduction of pain and you're just angry at your child and so you inflict pain upon them verbally, emotionally, or physically.

It is the loving, controlled, thoughtful introduction of pain into the life of your child. It's loving. Hebrews 12:6. Those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines.

It doesn't say those whom the Lord hates. He disciplines, but those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, and he scourges every son whom he receives. So if you love your child and you receive your child as your son or daughter, and truly love them, you're going to discipline them. Solomon, Proverbs 13:24 says, he who withholds his rod hates his son.

If you hate your child, just let them have their way, whenever they want their way. And do not ever apply discipline or correction, but he who loves him, he who loves his child, disciplines him diligently. In other words, discipline is the loving thing to do. And let me throw this in here guys.

The reason disciplining your child and and using pain in the life of your child is a loving thing to do is because biblically in inflicting the pain that you inflict upon them via discipline you are sparing them a greater pain. You're trying to protect them from a greater pain, the greater pain of possible eternal damnation in the lake of fire, the possible greater pain of them later in life having never learned how to control their impulses and to be obedient to God that they go doing something stupid that destroys their marriage and destroys relationships in their life and their life ends up being in ruin.

And wrecked and so in applying pain in a controlled and loving and thoughtful way you are seeking to spare them a greater pain not only in this life but also in the life to come. Proverbs 23, do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die, and Solomon has to say this to parents because if you listen to your children.

Even before you have touched them, you can almost be persuaded that they are about to die. verse 15, you shall strike him with the rod and deliver his soul from death by disciplining you, it's a deliverance ministry. You're delivering his soul from a death that you don't want your child to experience. they're not gonna want to experience that.

So it is the loving introduction of pain into the life of your child so as to train him or her in righteousness. Also, discipline involves pain biblically and this we're not making this stuff up, guys. the Bible teaches that discipline, involves pain. In Hebrews 12:11, all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but painful or grievous or sorrowful.

In other words, if you find out that your child doesn't like your discipline, don't be surprised at that. They're not supposed to like it. It is supposed to be painful. As a parent, you are at times to use pain, introduce pain into the life of your child.

so as to train him or her in righteousness. Now, obviously you can go to either extreme if you are seeking to use pain for your child's ultimate good. You can go to one extreme of leveling too much pain and it being abuse. You can go to the other extreme of not leveling enough pain to where your discipline is utterly ineffective and you end up with a child that's learned nothing.

In fact, you end up with a child that's only angry with you because you have not. Used enough pain in a given instance of discipline. Now, ultimately it's the loving use of pain for the ultimate good of your child, and that is to train him or her in righteousness, teaching him or her how to conform to what God rightfully expects of them, and one of those things is to obey you and to honor you. And that is the goal.

Hebrews 12:11, all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but painful. Yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. I believe Mike's gonna talk about this verse a little bit, when he preaches in our. In our service, but all I really wanna say is that ultimately your goal is for your children to be righteous, to be trained in righteousness, and discipline is one of the things it's not the only thing, but it's one of the things that you utilize to help encourage them and train them to say no to sin, to say no to disobedience and yes to obedience and to what's right.

Proverbs 22:15, the goal of our discipline, look at this foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. The rod of discipline will remove it far from him by properly utilizing discipline, you can have the effect of driving these soldiers of foolishness out of the heart and the life of your child, and that, that's a wonderful ministry. To render on their behalf Proverbs 29:15, the rod and reproof give wisdom. So not only does it train a child in righteousness, not only does it remove soldiers of foolishness from their heart, but then it actually is used by God to give.

wisdom to your child and so there's a lot of good that comes from discipline and when we discipline our children that is our goal we're not just disciplining them because we're angry and we need to vent, we just need to express how angry we are and there's no, there's no positive intent. Our goal in disciplining our children is always for the ultimate good. Of our children and if that is not your goal in any given instance, do not. My recommendation is don't even think of disciplining your child because it will be without effect.

In fact, it will be with negative effect. Your goal is always the good of your child. Now discipline and pain that we apply can come in various forms and let's just consider a few of these verbal rebuke. a lot of times when people think of discipline they immediately think of spanking.

but it doesn't always involve that, verbal rebuke, is a form of discipline. In fact, Eli. Was rebuked because in his parenting of his sons he let them just engage in sin and it says his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them and so God judged Eli because he did not rebuke his children and so when our children have done wrong they need to be. verbally rebuked, and again, we're not yelling and screaming at them.

We are calmly talking to them about what they've done. We tell the child what they've done. We tell them that it is a sin and we help them to see their sin as God sees their sin. And so there's verbal rebuke and sometimes in some situations, that's all that's needed.

Depending on the age of your child, that is discipline. No child likes to be verbally rebuked and told that they've done something wrong, even in a loving fashion. there's pain involved in that. And so that is one of the forms that discipline can take.

Now some, a couple of these others are not necessarily biblical, in terms of I have a proof text for them, but these are things that we've applied at times in our home. Another form of discipline that is painful. To a child is extra work. And and there are times where your child may do something that the appropriate thing to do is to verbally rebuke them for what they've done and the consequence for what they've done is to give them extra work to do.

There have been times where, for example in schooling. Benjamin that he has done work that has been shoddy that did not show respect for the assignment and I, graded it and his grade was poor and then I told him we're not gonna move on to another subject you're going to rewrite this whole thing, this whole thing. And you're going to get it right this time and so because I want him to learn you do shoddy work you only ultimately end up putting extra work on yourself what? Benjamin would almost prefer a spanking to having to rewrite something and there have been times where he's cried when I've given him.

that form of, of discipline, but nonetheless the goal is for him to learn something and that is to do excellent work the first time it is, it is assigned. So sometimes we give our children extra work and that is an appropriate form of, of discipline also, and especially with teenagers, the removal of privileges is a painful, a proper application of pain for the purpose of teaching your children. something, valuable, the removal of privileges and as a parent, this is why you need to be a student of your children.

You have to learn what's important to them.

so that, when it's proper that you can remove something, a privilege from them for a week or however long, so as to let them know that there is a consequence for your behavior in this situation. It might be, just in our home there have been times I've taken away their music, their an, an iPod. Or MP3 player or TV privileges or computer privileges, one of the things I jokingly say to my kids sometimes is because of what you have done, you're not allowed to look directly upon me for the rest of the day and that's a privilege that I take away from them.

Because of what they've done and I get a kick out of watching Benjamin try to do that.

He just keeps his head bowed in my presence and he looks indirectly at me. So just suggesting that is a, one idea, but also, a, a fourth form of discipline that, that is sometimes necessary in your parenting is the discipline. Of spanking now this raises a lot of hackles and there are people that have serious problems with this. Personally I don't know how you can really take the Bible seriously and get around the clear teaching of scripture that there are times there are times where in response to disobedience on the part of your child you need to introduce tactile sensations of pain to their backside.

and one of the passages that would affirm this is Proverbs 23:14. Do not hold back discipline from the child. What discipline is he talking about? Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.

so clearly, Solomon is understanding that there's going to be pain involved, and he's talking about striking the child with a rod. He says in verse 15, you shall strike him with the rod and deliver his soul from. from death, and again, there's extremes with this. You can be guilty of not spanking hard enough or you can be guilty of spanking too hard and being abusive.

I would commend Ted Tripp's book on, parenting. There's a section on discipline and even discipline at various stages of your child's development. but it's gonna be different with each, with each child, the form of discipline that you're gonna take and the stage of life that they, that they are at, but spanking is a legitimate, a biblically endorsed form of discipline. Now, having looked at that, here's what I wanna do with the time that we have left.

I don't want you guys to walk out of here and say, OK, I'm gonna discipline my children and just automatically expect that whatever I do in the way of discipline, it automatically is gonna be effective. I wanna throw some things your way that you need to make sure that you're doing as you discipline and in the context of your discipline and even apart from the context of your discipline that I believe if you do these things, it real, it will empower your discipline. And increases increase ultimately the chances of that discipline being effective really ultimately who's the one that decides whether the discipline is effective?

It's your child and how they choose to respond and so I'm not giving you some guarantee you do this and I promise your child will totally respond properly every time it's their decision to make but how can we discipline in a way that increases the chances.

And the likelihood of, of it being effective. So let me give you guys. Just, let let me just we'll just do as many as we can, OK? Instruction number one, if you want your discipline to be effective, number one, be a passionate celebrator of good in the lives of your children.

You say, what does that have to do with discipline? It has everything to do with discipline. in my pastoral ministry, I remember, I remember counseling a teenager a number of years ago. Who told me that the only times my dad is ever passionate with regard to me is when I have done something wrong.

That's the only time he sees any passion from his dad in terms of passionate attention to him, and that is when he has done something wrong as long as he wasn't doing something wrong, he was basically ignored by his dad, but he does something wrong and boom, there's intense passion from his dad towards him. And guys, what I want to submit to you, and by the way, Titus 18 and the description of elders, this is like one of my favorite descriptions of an elder, is that an elder is someone who loves what is good.

And part of what that means is that you love the good you see in other people. And an elder is supposed to be someone whose children are, are, are faithful, walking in the faith, who manages his household well.

and so clearly an elder is someone who's applying this in his own home, and so even as a dad or a mom, any parent, I think ought to look at this and say I want to be a lover of good in the lives of my children. Your children do display the image of God, though it is marred because of sin. There is beauty in your fallen children that you are going to see as they grow up, especially as they learn about the Lord and as they come to know the Lord and they get saved and their lives are being transformed, changes are gonna be as hard for them to come by as they are for you to come by in your life from day to day.

And as a parent, you need to be one who notices.

And who tells them what you notice and who celebrates passionately the good that you see in them. And I'll tell you why this is important. There needs to be. A, an environment of joy and delight in your children.

That needs to be the norm, that there's this context of joy and delight in your children, you are passionate about what God is doing in their life, you're passionate about their future, and that's basically on your countenance that, that is in the vibes that you are sending off to them every day. And here's why it's important. In that context they then do something wrong, suddenly your countenance falls and you're grieved. And they noticed that something's been lost.

And your discipline. In whatever form it takes will resonate with them because they will want, they know something's been lost, someone's turned the lights out. I want what we had restored. If you're a parent that generally in your demeanor towards your children you're negative, you're downcast, you're unhappy, and then they do something wrong and you're downcast and unhappy because they've done something wrong, it loses the poignancy that it should have and so first and foremost, your children need to know that you are passionate towards them about the good that you see in them.

And when you see something good in them you're pointing it out to them and you're excited about it and and you're painting a vision for their future and it's a bright one of how God is gonna use them and if that context of joy and delight is there then in those moments where your countenance has to fall, your discipline in those moments is going to profoundly resonate, with them. instruction number 20, I'm sorry, I'm gonna slide behind here. so instruction number one is be a passionate celebrator of good in the lives of your children.

And then instruction number 2 is expect your children's sinful depravity to manifest itself.

if your, your children are born disease sinners. So, if you knew that when they were born from the Bible, and that now, don't be so shocked and stunned that depravity is manifesting itself. Don't be surprised that they disobey you or that they fight with their siblings and, and they have wrong attitudes. They are sinners.

That's why God gave them to you and gave you to them because they need to be fixed. They need a ministry of correction. And so when something like that happens, don't say, I don't need this today., and you're all upset and you're stunned and say, how could you do such a thing? I, I don't ever ask my children how could they do such a thing.

I know how they can do it. I know, I know how I can do the stupid things that I do to this very day, and that's because we're disease sinners and so we're not shocked, we're not stunned by it. In fact, we're expecting that every day the depravity and disease of sin that's in our children is going to provoke offense and trial in my life as a parent every single day and in fact perhaps several times a day and that's why God gave me to them. Because they need help in dealing with their sin.

And you actually need to see their sin when it manifests itself as a God-given opportunity to help them. I stole this from Carlos Slimtiaco and I forget in what context he shared it with me, but I've applied it with my children, and I think he's done the same with his children. But like, after I learned something from Carlos about, about this, a few days later, Benjamin and Brianna, my 10 year old and 8-year-old, were, I think she's 9 now. Is she 9?

Whatever, She's not a teenager. anyway, they were fighting with each other, in the hallway and I was in her room and, and I called them in and, and I said, what? Your dad's been praying. And asking God to guide him.

And knowing what areas you guys need to be helped and taught in and I'm just excited because you guys are fighting right now and that exposes that helps me to know an area that you guys need some help in. And so rather than being put off, which was my natural instinct, I learned from what Carlos had shared with me to see that as an opportunity and to actually express that type of attitude to, my children and so I was able to instruct them. They apologize to each other and then I always make them hug and I embrace both of them and it's like a 22nd hug which they just despise.

And they generally get along better if they know that when they fight they're gonna end up in a 22nd embrace, but, anyway, so actually see those moments of sin when their sin manifest itself as as opportunities now something specifically that you can provide direction and help for your child, in also parents keep this in mind too when your children come home from school.

And they're like, you won't believe what my teacher's saying about me or did, and they're describing some situation and they're totally innocent, totally innocent. just assume. That in all likelihood my child's sin problem has played a role. If your child comes home and says so and so did this to me and they, they, said this to me or my siblings said this to me, it's amazing to me that when one child comes to me saying that they seem totally pure angelically innocent and then I go to the child and say why did you hit her?

Well, because she hit me or she said this and I find out that the original child that came to me was not quite so innocent and so just assume there will be times where your child is totally innocent in a given situation but your default setting is that somewhere somehow my child as a sinner has had their sin play a role in contributing to this and that's gonna be my default. Understanding I'm not gonna just believe what they say totally as Solomon says, the first to plead his case always seems just until another comes and examines him.

And so if there's a conflict between your child and another child, don't automatically just always take up your child's offense and assume that that other child in this altercation is the 1 100% to blame. often, in fact, it's healthy to just assume that your child probably had a role in some way, a central role in some way, unless further investigation proves otherwise, and further investigation may prove that they were completely innocent in that situation.

But a third instruction we gotta move on here is be clear in communicating instructions to your children. You don't, there are parents who discipline their children for disobeying instructions that really were not clearly expressed to the children, and it ends up leaving the children frustrated and exasperated. Parents, sometimes our problem as parents is we give too many instructions. And maybe half the instructions we give we're ready to enforce and the other half we're just saying them because we want them, but we're not really ready to throw the weight of our authority behind those instructions.

Think before you give instructions and only give instructions to your children that you are ready and willing to throw the weight of your authority behind, OK? In other words, to respond if they choose to disobey and so just be clear in communicating your expectations to your children. Instruction number 4 that I think can help your discipline to be more effective is discipline your children in a way that conveys that their sins have more to do with God than you. this is not, you're, you've ruined mommy's day because of what you've done and this upsets me and, this wears me out, or you, you just made daddy so upset and, and I'm not saying it's wrong to put yourself in the picture at all, but first and foremost and sometimes only the issue is not so much that they disobeyed you but that they, they, they've disobeyed God who told them to obey you.

And things need to be framed in terms of their relationship with God and their sins against God. Ted Tripp says, remember, the issue is never you have failed to obey me. The only reason for a child to obey mom and dad is that God commands it. Failure to obey mom or dad is therefore failure to obey God.

This is the issue. The child has failed to obey God. The child has failed to do what God has mandated and to persist places the child at great risk. And so when your children sin, don't take it so personally and as you're.

Disciplining them verbally rebuking them and talking to them about it. Don't wrap it all around yourself. The issue is primarily between them and God, and that's where the focus needs to be as you are wanting them to see their sin, not so much the way you see their sin. You want them to see their sin the way that God from heaven sees their sin.

And this will set you up for instruction number 5, and that is use your discipline times as an opportunity to preach the gospel to your children. There, there honestly is no better time to preach the gospel to your children than in times of, of discipline. In fact, listen to what Ted Tripp says. You need to shepherd your children in the ways of God at all times.

There is, however, no more powerful time to press the claims of the gospel than when your children are being confronted with their need of Christ's grace and power during discipline. When the wax is soft during discipline, the time is right to impress the glories of Christ's redemption upon them. And so you're talking to your child, you've done wrong, you're framing it in terms of their sin against God. You, you then speak to your own children about your own sin.

I, I never discipline my children that I don't tell them about my own sin that I've committed against God, even back when I was their age and how your dad needs a savior, your dad needs Jesus, that's why Jesus came to die. And you, you, you level the discipline whatever form it it might take, but the issue is you're you're helping them to see their sin as grave and as serious they need a savior and you're, you're giving them God's grace, especially on the other side of that discipline as you minister healing to them see the deal is guys, every one of your children are born disease sinners they're gonna need to know if they're gonna realize that as they grow up to a greater and greater degree.

And they're gonna, some of them, I know when I was a teenager, a teenage boy, I thought I was the most evil human being on the planet. The thoughts that went through my mind.

The thoughts I entertain I'm like there is nobody who is as evil as I am so all this sin is starting to come out and and honestly I didn't I didn't always know what to make of that and your child is gonna have moments like that and your child is gonna have a sin problem and they're gonna be thinking I've had my own children say but I wanna do right and why, why is it that I wanna do right and then I don't do right and they're frustrated by that they need help and seeing their sin the way that God sees their sin.

They also need help and knowing that there's an answer. That's why Jesus came. And what, you are a sinner, child, just like I am, and that's why I need Jesus, and that's why Jesus came and died for you, and you press the claims of the gospel and upon them in those moments where the wax is soft.

My younger brother. whose name is Robert, was had disciplined his son who I think at the time was about 6 years old. For something wrong that he had done and he had spanked his son, and then after the spanking, my brother held his son on his lap and Or held his son on his lap and his son continued to cry because of the physical pain, but after a minute or two that died down. He stopped crying and began to relax against my brother's chest.

But then my brother told me all of a sudden. A shudder came over his son, and his son leaned forward and began to sob. And my brother said, Asher, what's wrong? And Asher said, Dad, I was born the wrong boy.

My brother said to him, Asher, you're right. And I was born the wrong boy too. And that's why Jesus came. For sinners like us, and in that moment he pressed the claims of the gospel and showed the glories of the cross to him.

Those are powerful moments to teach our children. About the gospel. And parents, if you get nothing else right, please, please get this right. Times of discipline, especially on the back end of them are the times that you can really help the use of the Lord to penetrate gospel truths into their young hearts.

Instruction number 6, be consistent in your discipline if you want your discipline to be effective. look at Proverbs 13:24, parents, and look at every word of this verse. He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him, disciplines him. No, disciplines him diligently.

In other words, thoroughly, diligently, consistently, conscientiously. In other words, you don't just discipline, you discipline carefully, consistently and conscientiously. Understand parents, you are always making statements to your children all the time. You tell your child I want you to do this, and then they don't do it and then you do nothing about it.

You have just, you might as well have said to your child, child, I want you to know that it's OK to disobey me. It's OK. It's OK to disobey me the first time I say something. And then you tell your child again 5 minutes later, I need you to do this, and they don't do it.

And so if you don't do anything about it, you've just taught them again, it's OK to disobey me the second time. Well then the 3rd time you tell them and they don't do it and then you flip out and you get all angry and you discipline your child and anger, what you've told your child is you need to obey me whenever I give you a command. So twice in the previous 10 minutes you made the opposite statement to them that you're making now. You wanna exasperate your children.

That's the quickest and best way to exasperate them. Discipline is not automatically effective. we need to be consistent in our discipline, and what we need to expect of our children is instant obedience without complaint, without delay. That's what we expect from them and our children if they know that that's the standard, children will live up to that standard, but you're dooming yourself as a parent if you think you tell your child to do something 5 times and then it's on the 6th time that you get upset and spank them.

You've just taught your children you don't need to listen to me until the 6th time. Why do that to yourself? Why teach your children. that they don't have to listen to you until the 6th time that you give an instruction.

So be consistent in your discipline. I've seen parents who discipline their children, and in that moment of discipline, everything that they're doing is right, and yet their child persists in being disobedient and there are other situations where I observed that same parent and I begin to realize that the reason their child is not being more consistently obedient is because the parents are not being consistent. They're making conflicting statements to their children in terms of how they respond when their children have disobeyed and so really strive and none of us are perfectly consistent, but this is the goal that we strive for and the more we reach this goal, the more rewarding it actually is for us and the simpler our interactions with our children become.

Moving on quickly, instruction number 7, parents do not discipline your children in anger.

And when I say that, I'm not just saying don't spank them in anger, I'm saying don't verbally rebuke them in anger. Don't sit them down and start talking to them about their sin when you're like all angry at. At them. James says, be slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

In other words, James is saying, don't give way to anger. And here's one of the reasons, there's other reasons he could have listed, but one of the reasons you should not give way to anger in your interactions with someone else, is that anger will never succeed in producing in another person, a righteousness that is God approved. That's literally what he's saying. And so as a parent, don't use anger in your dealings with your children because anger will always fail.

It might produce temporary conformity and putting a little fear in them to where they'll be silent. And, and some parents look at that and say, well, OK, that was effective. but you've lost so much in that explosion of anger. Anger will never ever succeed in producing in your children a righteousness that's got to prove.

Do not discipline them in anger, and that's very critical. If you are angry at your child, just filled with anger and frustration, and you sent them up to their room because you need to talk to them and perhaps even spank them, do not touch your child until you've dealt with your anger. You go under your, your room and you get on your knees and you talk to God. Until you're in control of yourself by the power of God before you begin to speak to your child and begin to discipline them.

And by the way, you will never control your children when your children see that you cannot control yourself. When you cannot even rein in your own spirit, you're not gonna have a lot of luck. Controlling your children. In fact, when you allow yourself to explode in anger, you're letting your children actually control you.

You really are. They know wow, what I did did that and there you're basically telling them you have power over me and you're never gonna control your children when they know that they control you in that way. Your children desperately deep down inside wanna know that they cannot control you. Ted Tripp says the biblical concept of the rod is not the right to unbridled temper.

The rod must be used in the most carefully guarded, tightly structured manner to avoid the possibility of abuse. God nowhere gives parents the rights to throw temper fits at their children. Such rage is ungodly and wicked and should have no place in our parenting and in our discipline. All right, real quick, guys, instruction number 8, realize, and man, I wish we had more time on this one, realize that whenever you discipline your children, whether it's in the form of verbal rebuke or spanking, you are wounding your child internally.

You're, you're, you're literally inflicting an internal wound upon your child, especially if you generally are towards them, manifesting delight and joy in them, and now your countenance falls and you're grieved over their sin. And you're beginning to speak to them about their sin, there, there's a wound internally in their heart that is created by means of that discipline and, and that doesn't make it wrong. faithful are the wounds of a friend. There are times even in our relationships with one another that we need to inflict a painful wound by way of rebuke or what have you, but knowing that disciplining your children inflicts an internal wound makes us want to be careful about how we go about discipline.

and just the manner in which we go about it and when the right times are and it makes us wanna be careful about what we say to our children, in those times of discipline. Just real quick, I remember a couple of years ago I had told Brendan, to do something and I had left the house and I came back a little bit later and it appeared to me that it had not been done. And I very calmly just said, Brendan, I'm, I'm, I'm disappointed in you. And he stopped in his tracks.

He's like, what? And I said, I'm disappointed in you. He's like, why? And I, I told him.

Why I was. And then he said oh dad and then he explained something to me and I forget the explanation, but when he was done I was like oh I'm sorry, my bad. I was wrong and he had done what I had said, but it had been undone or something I forget the details of it but here's why I'm sharing this with you. I said to him I'm sorry that was my bad and I never raised my voice to him at all.

I turned to walk away and he stopped me. He said, Dad. When you said that to me. That you were disappointed in me, it like stabbed me right here.

This is my son responding to, I, I didn't raise my voice. I didn't yell at him. And it stabbed him. And that moment just it like struck me like a ton of bricks like man, I have to be careful.

How I speak to my children. And when I discipline them, that I am aware that even in the words that I speak. I'm inflicting a wound. And understanding that about parenting leads us to the final instruction.

Knowing that when you discipline your children by way of verbal rebuke or whatever form of discipline, spanking or what have you. Knowing that that inflicts a wound, always minister healing. During and after you discipline your child, healing is a must in every situation of discipline, always, or you will inflict a wound that will go unhealed. And so let's be aware of that.

Let's be sobered by that. Let us pursue. Healing For the hearts of our child as passionately and thoroughly as we pursued disciplining them. In the moments before.

You think about Hebrews 12, God, that, that God's people were under discipline. Look how God ministers encouragement and healing to them. You've forgotten the encouragement which is addressed to you as sons. My son, do not faint when you're reproved by him.

For those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, he scourges every son whom he receives. He disciplines us for our good. This is God through the writer of Hebrews saying, Hey, I love you, and I receive you, and listen to this encouragement that I want to give you as my sons, and what I'm doing in disciplining you. I know that it's painful, but it is for your good so that you might share in my holiness and so that it can produce the peaceful fruit of righteousness in your life.

The writer of Hebrews or God through the writer of Hebrews concludes this section. on discipline by saying, therefore, this is God speaking to his children, Strengthen the hands that are weak. In other words, the hands that are drooping due to exhaustion and discouragement, the knees that are feeble, cause the picture is that these, believers were just kinda wobbling about, staggering about. They're so discouraged, they've lost heart, and God is saying, buck up, be encouraged, make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb, which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be.

Healed. This is God speaking to his children who are under discipline, and God is concerned that they have the right perspective, that this is me loving you. I know it hurts, but here's my goal, you're my sons, be thankful you're being disciplined because that means that you're my children and that I receive you and that I love you and here's what I want you to do in the midst of this season of discipline so that you may be healed. God is pursuing their healing as passionately.

As he is pursuing. Their discipline, there's nothing. To me that is any more rewarding than after I've sat my child down, I've told them what they've done, I've helped them to see it from God's perspective. I've applied discipline even if that's in the form of a spanking.

I step out of the room after I've given them a swat and I wait until they've stopped crying and then I go back into their room and and then I hold them in my arms and just get to talk to them. And every time I tell my my children the same old story of something stupid I did when I was 4 1/2, and how after that spanking my dad held me in his arms, and how it made me feel on top of the world. knowing that I was loved by my dad and I hold my children in my arms and affirm them and my love for them, and then I tell them my dreams that I have for them, I tell them of Jesus and how you have a sin problem, but so does your dad and that's why Jesus came.

And it hurts me when I see the countenance of my children when I first walk into the room after they've been disciplined, it's, it's a wounded look.

But then to minister healing and love. And 5, 10 minutes later, A smile comes to their face, we're laughing again, the delight and the joy is back, and the wound has been healed. And lessons have been learned. as parents, let us discipline our children biblically.

And let us pursue healing. Ministering to the the balm to their hearts, the balm of the gospel, the balm of our love. And our hope for them. In Christ, let us minister that just as passionately as any discipline that we minister.

Well, we've covered a lot of ground and. I appreciate your attentiveness. Let's look to the Lord in prayer and just ask God to help us to. Be this way towards our children.

Lord, we thank you for the privilege of parenting these precious children who are diseased with sin as we are and yet who bury your image and what a wonderful privilege we have. To be used by you to bring healing and correction and transformation into their lives, help us to do our job well may we be under discipline ourselves, Lord, be under your authority and then passionately pursue the holiness and the righteousness of our children more than anything else, Lord, help us to introduce our children to the gospel in those moments where their sin has been exposed that they would know that they are a normal sinner.

And that Jesus came for sinners and he came for them and he can transform them as they look to him by faith. We have much to learn, Lord, much to learn and to whatever degree we failed to do any of these things we've learned today in our parenting, we bathe in your grace.

We know that we're forgiven. Help us to humbly humbly walk before you. And bring our children up and the nurture, the discipline, and the admonition of the Lord. We ask all these things in the name of Jesus, and all God's people said, Amen.

God bless you guys.