Parenting Class - Alvin Davis

Thank you Carlos. All right, we're, we're rolling. We're live. I, we, we are going on a journey this morning, so, we're gonna, I'm just gonna jump and dive right into it.

I, my goal that I have, challenged myself with is to make sure that I leave time for questions and for interaction, OK? So if you look at your handout, I wrote a little vision statement for myself. And, you get a chance to, to look at it too, but it gives an, it gives you some insight into how I think, how my brain works, but, here's my assignment to teach a biblically-based interactive, practically instructive class about parenting through the various stages of life from pregnancy through maturity.

inside of that statement, interactive, that's where you come in.

Practically instructive, I'm gonna try to hit that as much as possible, but I think your questions and our Q&A time, our comment time will be really helpful as far as making it practically instructive. And then, that last phrase there, pregnancy through maturity, just as a little, I guess a preview of what the lesson is about. we, Kim and I chose the word maturity. I had adulthood in here but we changed it.

We changed it to maturity to try to encompass more than just raising our kids until they're adults and hopefully as we go through the lesson I unpack that, that'll make a little bit More sense. OK, so now I'm gonna slip into coaching mode. All of that I'm a coach and I'm an instructor. Slip into coaching mode.

When I get my hitters together, because I have a tendency to go off on rabbit trails or maybe say things that don't make a lot of sense and I work with young players, I always try to make sure that I, I say what I want them to come away with before I get into whatever it is I'm trying to teach them. so that they don't get lost and I don't get lost. So, here's some takeaways that are on your handout and there could be more. So be prepared to add to this list, especially during, some, exercise that we have coming up later that I call Table Talk.

Here's 4 of them. The word of God, specifically the gospel of Jesus Christ, is essential, is an essential truth, the essential truth in parenting and applies throughout all the various stages of parenting. That's building upon the foundation that's been laid in this class, the, the foundation of the gospel. I love this, quote and included it here.

The gospel isn't one class among many that you'll attend during your life as a Christian. The gospel is the whole building that all the classes take place in. Rightly approached, all the topics you'll study and focus on as a believer will be offered to you within the walls of the glorious gospel. That's from CJ Mahaney.

It's also in our, our gospel, primer for Christians. And so, to look at this topic, which is very specific, and try to go to the word and try to find specific commands. That's not, that's not what's gonna happen. but as we look at the gospel holistically and think of the gospel as applying to everything that we're gonna talk about, every stage of, of the parenting journey, if you will, then I think that will help it make sense a little bit more.

So, we're thinking gospel, just as the foundation's been laid through, the pastors that have presented beforehand. the, the second one, aim for the heart. Always aim for the heart, and I, I included this because I know it was really an instrumental doctrine or teaching in my, in our lives as parents, to aim for the heart. Aim for the heart, oftentimes you'll get the behavior.

if you aim for the behavior, oftentimes you'll miss the heart. And when I think about that, to unpack that a little bit more, think about the compliant child or the obedient child. especially if you have multiple children, it's really, really easy as a parent to just enjoy their obedience, enjoy their compliance, or enjoy their pleasant nature. And, and not ask what's going on below the surface.

And sometimes there's a lot going on below the surface that as a parent, you want to be aware of. Kids are really smart. And they can figure out how to make things go smoothly. But sometimes in their heart, and this is my test part of my testimony, sometimes within their heart, they're they're in Hebrews 3.

That within them is an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. And so, even with our our compliant children, we want to make sure that we aim for the heart. When, when we find them obeying or when we find them repeating back to us, which brings joy to our hearts as parents, truths from the Bible. Go a little bit deeper.

With our kids that are a little bit tougher to parent, it's a little easier to know that we gotta get to their heart, to know that we have to get below the surface. It's frustrating at times, but we kinda know, hey, I have got to get to the way, to the way this child thinks and how they process. So, that's why we want to aim for the heart. we need vision and evaluation in our parenting.

This is something I learned preparing for this class, and one of my main takeaways, our children go undeveloped, so must our parenting. for me, being a grandparent right now, it's a good time for me, especially to evaluate what is my role in the life of my grandchildren. And how am I doing? we'll talk about that a little bit more, we'll unpack it.

one never stops being a parent. This is one of the main takeaways. parenting just takes on different forms over time. We'll unpack that a little bit more, as we get to, get into the lesson as well.

I talked a little bit about my story, given the time, I know that it's, it's written there. I, I won't go through the whole thing because again, I wanna make sure that I, I hit my, my goals here, but, just going back to before I was a dad, so about 35-ish or so years ago, Jordan's 30. so this would probably be 1983-ish or so. Kim and I are talking about getting married.

We'd been dating each other for a while, but we're having these conversations that probably a lot of us have as, do you wanna have kids and how many kids do you wanna have, and so as a young guy, I wanted to have a family. We agreed together, we wanted to have a family, we wanted to have kids. I also have to let that I am the youngest in my family and also the youngest in my generation. So there are no babies in my generation younger than me.

So I didn't know, I didn't grow up around babies. I was the baby. And I brought all of this into parenting. I knew I wanted to have kids because kids are fun., they, they're so adorable, they're lovable, to be transparent with you, it said something about me.

That I could have kids and that I could have a family. a lot of stuff was going on that once our kids came, Need to be kinda undone, unraveled, and informed. That's the point of telling you that part of my story. just thinking about some influences in my life.

My mom was a huge influence upon me. many of you may not know my story, but my dad passed away when I was 9. And my mom raised myself, my two older brothers surviving, and my cousin who was living with us at the time, a young adult cousin living by herself. And she's my hero.

Many of her, 95 going on 96 years, just the, the grace of the Lord just walking. If she's ever around, you have an opportunity to talk with her, take advantage of that opportunity. she's, she's, she's loaded with wisdom and she's living history, if you think about it. Almost the entire 20th century.

She and she and her memory is really good. So, but she's just a powerful influence on me. Also, along the journey, Bible studies, sermons, seminars, books on biblical parenting that we read when we realized, whoa, kinda don't know what I'm doing here, and Kim's a little better than me, a little further than I am, but I need to figure some of this stuff out. So that's really been a blessing along the way.

again, as I mentioned, I think already, one of the most powerful books was She Shepherding a Child's Heart. The right book at the right time. Matter of fact, I remember when we read through the book, Ted Tripp actually came out and spoke at Cornerstone. Some of you may remember that.

I was like, wow, where has this been the last 10 years? I could have used this back in 1985 when we found out we were pregnant with Jordan. And then, of course, the ministry of our equipping pastors, I remember 11 session I was having with Milton. It wasn't even a formal session, just down at the office helping out, and we were, we were going through, some parenting challenges with one of our children who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, but, or the guilty in this case.

But anyway, I, I was just frustrated and, I mentioned my frustration to Milton, and I won't get into all the details, but, but Milton's response to my my frustration reshaped my vision for my son. I gave it away. Got two choices, 50%. But anyway, I just, the, the, the ministry of, of our pastors, the ministry of our elders has been huge in my life.

28 plus years as parenting, I did the math yesterday. So how long have I been at this? But, but more than that, Kim and I were talking, if the Lord allows maybe 40+ years. Of what I what we call intentional parenting.

The 1st 28+ years were intensive parenting. We were the only parents that Jordan, Justin, and Kayla had, but maybe more than that of what we call intentional parenting, specifically here at Cornerstone. let me give a definition. Parenting is a raising a child by its parents.

Some definitions, the act or process of becoming a parent, the taking care of someone in the manner of the parent. That's from all from Webster's. Keep those definitions in mind as we proceed. parenting goals.

And we're gonna, we're coming up on our first table talk time here. So, here's some goals of parenting, but I want you, if you can, to add to this list. prepare children for eternity. OK?

Evangelizing our children, Pastor Milton did two weeks ago, but just, just studying for this class, it a part of our, our Pleasure as parents is to be the primary ones to prepare, prepare our children for eternity., if they graduate from college, have great jobs, have great families, attain all the success in the world, Literally, but they don't know Christ. What is a prophet, right? That's what the scripture says. So, not to lay a heavy burden on us, but just to help us to remember what a great privilege we have.

We'll unpack that a little bit more. Prepare them for maturity, and, again, some of these conversations and teachings from Pastor Milton specifically, but also from Pastor Mike. I remember him teaching a lesson, actually a sermon, talking about the myth of adolescence that really had a ton of impact on me and our kids were further down the road. But, preparing them for maturity, Milton was probably the first person to introduce me and Kim, I think, to the concept that our, our kids are going to be married someday.

And especially in their teen years to begin to relate to them. With that thought in mind, like my, our sons are gonna be husbands and, and my, our daughter's gonna be a wife. And it and it impacted our conversation with them. so, preparing them for maturity, becoming, parents, and then, of course, to take their place in the building of the kingdom of God.

That's the ultimate goal, isn't it? but there's a lot in there, isn't it? There's a lot in that statement. As much as we love our kids and we love family.

we have to be willing to let them take their place in the kingdom of God, even if that means Timbuktu. Now I know that's hard. But God is going to call some of our children to some place other than Cornerstone in some area other than Riverside. And That's, that should be a joyous day as they take their place.

OK, so now, here's a table talk exercise. find someone, I guess the way that we're, we're seated, it'll make it easier. 2 would be ideal. Without too much movement, I guess, if it's someone, if it could be someone other than your spouse, but if, if not, that's OK too.

The, the object is, is to, to get to interact on what's been said so far. So that's your assignment as I said there, share a thought or question which comes to mind as to what is, what I've shared so far. So go ahead and take 3 minutes to do that. court I 2.

So that means it should be. I Yeah Yeah. I All right, you guys aren't enjoying the table talk at all. I can tell by the level of the room, but if I could have your attention back, why don't you take about 30 seconds and if there's anything you wanna jot down from the table talk, I tried to leave a lot of real estate on the, handout on purpose to give you room to make notes and so, if you wanna jot something down from your table talk, also on your notes, there's a, on the back page of your notes, there's an area.

the, I think it says, for further study, you could jot it down there if you wanted to, and so we wanna try to keep not only this lesson but the entire class alive and active throughout the week. OK, well, let's get into the word for a little while. If you have your Bibles or your apps, if you want to turn to Ephesians chapter 6. While you're turning there, why Ephesians 61 of the, I remember a couple years ago, the fathers received on Father's Day, a book, a small book that we were, we've been giving out for a while.

It was called Gospel Meditations for Dads, and, and there was a, a lesson in there, a devotional on Ephesians 6:4, and what was brought out in that, that, devotional is that it's, there's, there's really only one command to fathers in all of the New Testament, directly to fathers, and there's a parallel, with this passage in, in, Colossians 3. But, I thought I would, we should dive into this this morning because, it really gives us the biblical basis of what we're doing as we parent through the different stages of life.

So, let me read, beginning in verse one. Hopefully you got there.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. And then here's our passage for right now. fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.

But bring them up in the discipline and the instruction or instruction of the Lord. So let's make a few observations before we start to take the verse a little bit apart a little bit. We won't be diving too deeply, but we have two commands here. 11 command is negative and one's positive, immediate observation.

the commands are contrasting in nature and we know that because of, the, the contrast in conjunction, but, right? and then you could translate it is, or you could think of it as, stop doing this, but instead do this. This is what Paul is saying, stop doing this but instead do this. these commands are connected to the overall command to be filled with the spirit from, chapter 5, verse 18.

So, Paul is continuing in his thought of what it means to be spirit-filled, how the spirit-filled person lives out their life. It's also connected to the overall command in chapter 4 verse 1, to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel calling. And to the gospel truths that Paul has presented in the first three chapters, and we know our formula, right? Gospel, therefore imperatives.

Gospel, therefore imperatives. Always the gospel first. very important for me to, to, to learn. I had a tendency before we began our emphasis on the gospel some 1015 years ago, I would just go straight to the imperatives.

Just, just let me know what I need to do and I'll do it. Not understanding the importance of the gospel and unders not understanding that the gospel is the material that we use in carrying out the, the imperatives. I know it's been well laid out in this class, but just a reminder there. Also, just for us guys, notice that that the fathers, the fathers that Paula is addressing are active.

he says, stop doing this. So there's something that they're doing in trying to parent their children, and then he said he says instead, do this. We wanna be active as dads, right? It'll come out later as we get into this first part.

fathers is, it's, it's masculine. it, it could be translated as parents, but it's always includes fathers, OK? So, this is being addressed to us as parents, but specifically to us as dads. We are the responsible ones.

do not provoke your children to anger. Let's think about the negative part of this command. What does it mean to provoke, to irritate, to make angry, to exasperate? And then here's some ways that we as fathers, or parents can provoke our children.

This is directly from Precept Austin.org, which is a resource that I highly recommend to you. Thank you to Kim for pointing me in this direction. But, overprotection. Showing favoritism.

Dismissing them or being dismissive, failing to listen to them, as Kim and I were going through this through this list you've mentioned, especially our teenagers. Failing to listen to them, too lofty of standards. especially when it comes to, not. commending them, not celebrating.

Their progress. Not even recognizing their progress. that, those are two loftiest standards, excessive discipline, we've talked about that, anger. Anger, moment of transparency, big one for me.

Not a whole lot to go as gentle as I see. I, I have a temper, and it's a volcanic temper. And far too often that has been displayed toward my wife and my children, something that through the gospel, I've had to make progress in. Unreasonable demands, just, just demands that our kids just can't meet.

also, fault finding. Neglect and emotional absence. have an opportunity to talk a little bit more of that, we got a table time coming up here. But, but then we have our but, our contrasting conjunction, I already explained that.

Bring them up. What does that mean? to nourish up to maturity, to nourish in general, to nurture, to bring up from childhood, to raise a child to maturity by providing not just for physical but also for emotional and soul needs. And guys, just a reminder, we're the ones that Paul has in mind when he's giving this command.

I don't know about you, but when I read about that, I, I'm not naturally a nurturing person. but I need to learn how to be more of a nurturing person, more of a relational person. and then, so we're bringing them up. What are we bringing them up in, Paul?

in the discipline, which is Paidea. It means to provide instruction with the intent of forming proper habits of behavior, of providing guidance for responsible living, of rearing and guiding a child towards maturity. is a broad term. It signifies whatever parents and teachers do to train, correct, cultivate, and educate children in order to help them develop and mature as they ought.

So, we, we've had a couple of sessions on discipline already, right? and, and maybe reading this at first glance, that's where our minds might go, that this has to do with discipline, whether or not we, do the corporal punishment. Do we use a spanker, do we use the flick, but it's, it's a lot more than that. Paul is saying and, and asking us dads specifically, commanding us dads specifically, parents more broadly for more than that in, in, in our ministry to our children, in our parenting.

And then also, I hope I say this right, but Nhaa. And and and instruction, nuhea, literally to put in mind. Stress is training by word. So for some of us dads that are less talkative, We need to learn by the gospel to talk with our kids, communicate with our kids, impart truth to our kids, influencing not only the mind but the will and disposition.

Just Using a baseball term, we just have to coach them up. And part of that coaching up is doing so by word. And then of the Lord. What, what, what are we doing?

What are we using? It's of the Lord, the Lord's discipline and mission, as opposed to how I was raised or what I learned along the way. It's just natural, especially as young parents, we were raised a certain way, and oftentimes that can be our default setting, both ways. we can parent the way we were parented or we can anti-parent, right?

If there are ways that we didn't like the way we were parented, we kinda anti-parent. The point is here, is to hold all of that up. Against the backdrop of the discipline and admonition, the teaching of the Lord., you guys, I, I don't have time to tell the story, but you probably all heard the story about the cooking of the roast. why, why, the, the roast got cut, and that was the only way to cook a roast, and, and you ask the question why, and here I am telling the story.

But anyway, the, the bottom line was, is that at some point in the family's history, grandma had a really small oven and the roast wouldn't fit, so she cut the roast. So that the roast would fit in her oven and then that just got moved down through the generations as the only way to cook a roast when it really was a step of necessity. And just, and we talked about evaluation in our parenting, having the willingness to evaluate, I was raised this way. I was disciplined this way, but is that what the Bible says?

Is that, is that consistent with what the Bible says? And that's, that's the main point, the instruction of the Lord. So here's our summary. In this verse, we clearly see a father who brings his children up in the discipline instruction of the Lord is focused on impacting the heart of his child with the gospel.

That is Paul's point. That's what Paul is after. On the father's life has been impacted by the gospel, and he's seeking to walk it out. In every area of life including fatherhood or parenting.

These commands apply to all parents. This is Kim helping me here. the Lord would never say, Husband, you have to do this, Father, do this, but mom, it's OK. It's OK for you to provoke your children to wrath.

no, it applies to all of us. OK, so why don't you take a couple of minutes and have a little table talk time about, about, Ephesians 6:1-4, specifically 4, and, we'll come back in a few seconds and continue our journey. Of all the That Right. Yeah.

About 30 more seconds if you want to write anything down. Jot down any thoughts for further study or questions that you might have? Q&A time is coming up quickly. All right.

Let's, let's dive back in here. I think you need to turn the page if, if I remember your handout. Your handout is different than my notes, but OK, so, so let's talk about the various stages of parenting, made reference a few minutes ago that this is where we're headed on the journey. I, I took, I took the title of the, of the lesson literally and tried to develop it around the title, and, through, research and help, a lot of recommended resources are listed on your page.

on the back page of your handout, came up with these various stages of parenting. Now, in, in a couple of disclaimers, first of all, this list is not exhaustive, OK? So feel free to add to it. I would love to, to have it added to.

second of all, by giving it in an order, it seems like a chronological order, but I don't want to, to give the impression that, it's that clear. OK, that, that, that the stages are that clear, OK? and what by that is this, in, in, in with one of your children, let's say you have multiple children like we do, with one of your children, you might find that there are areas of their life where they're in, in one stage, but other areas of their life where they might not be in that stage, OK?

But I think the usefulness of this, again, as we talk about vision, is just understanding that we're on a journey.

And, understanding that the journey kinda has a built-in expiration date by God's design, and that we as parents want to make sure that we're prepared as we enter into different phases. And that we're evaluating along the way that we're developing as our children develop. Our children develop, right? How about the 1st 6 months of life?

Just think about it with our granddaughter, Raylan, just seeing her on video and her ability to interact on a FaceTime call, the way that she loves on her mommy, and, and I'm thinking about back to when I was with her last in person was the week that she was born, she was totally dependent upon us. And now she's developed into a, a child that can interact with her grandparents via video. She thinks I'm kinda weird, but I, I don't blame her for that. She's probably got it right.

All right. OK, so let's dive in. before I do, I gotta, I have a question for you. How many of us in here are grandparents?

Raise your hand. And how many of us are, if you skip to the end, I, I'm not a very creative guy, but are parenting up. In other words, you're, you're caring for someone who is older. Raise your hand.

I, I was gonna say, Camilla now, you guys are in mind when I see this one. OK. All right. So, I'm just saying, there's, there's things here, if we don't get to that because of time, then, I'm, I just wanna cover as, as many of us in this room as I possibly can.

I'm not, I'm not, I don't wanna neglect you if we have to cut things off. All right. Now, let's see. I had one other thought.

oh, it came from a conversation I had with Carlos and I'll mention this before we dive into it as well. the prices are, Missy, you guys are in different stages at the same time because of the age difference of their kids. And Carlos and I were talking about the fact that Missy, for example, might be parenting Parker, who's 7, who's 6, and receive a call for counsel from Paige. Right?

Or or Courtney, who are 23, so parenting a 17, 7 year old. Flip the script, parent a 24 year old. You don't talk to your 24 year old the way you talk to your seven-year-old. So there's, there's moving in and out.

Your children are moving in and out as they mature, as they develop. As parents, we're moving out, especially if you have multiple kids, OK? Kids are all different as well, so, all right, let's get into a pregnancy. First stage, won't spend a lot of time here, but just to get it, just to get in the thought process, especially for our, our younger folks that are, that are just getting here, it's a very important time in parenting.

just some, some of the things that are listed there, bonding with the baby in the womb, talk to the baby, it's important, important for the baby and it's important for you, especially as dads. mom has a built-in relationship with the baby, but for our dads, it's a great time to start bonding with that baby. Let them hear your voice and get in the practice of talking to them, OK? so let's move forward.

I won't spend a whole lot of time there. the early years or infancy, what are some of the characters he's bonding with, caring for, nurturing the baby? As I mentioned before, they can't do anything for themselves. They need us to do everything for them.

And, if, if your kids or your future kids are like ours were, very exhausting time as a parent. Don't get a whole lot of sleep. And, moms more than dads. but being prepared for that.

Understand it's a, it's a, it's an important part of, of parenting. A lot of foundational things happen in those first six months. Both with the child and with the parents. just, there's some things there, I'll let you read through that list.

And then moving into childhood, beginning to train and establish authority. We're talking about it, Kim and I were talking about it yesterday with our grandson, Eli, started comprehending language and putting things together pretty early. And so, it was time to start training really, really early. he was, he, he used to get, even as a one year old, a little bit over one, very, very frustrated because he was trying to do things mentally that he thought he could do that he didn't have the dexterity to do, so he was trying to put together things that were beyond his physical development and he'd get very frustrated.

So Jordan Crin started training him. teaching him how to manage his emotions, how to, how to calm himself down cause that's what would happen. And so, just as an example, for Nora, a little bit different. Different personality, developing differently than Eli.

Need to understand that as parents, our kids develop ear in early infancy, but as we get into childhood, we may begin to train one earlier than the other. And then there's the obvious trainings that go with it, potty training, sleep training, all of that starts in during this stage. Then we get into teen years and I know that's a big gap. But, on purpose, preparation for adulthood.

I, I, I know, I, I call the teen years the wonder years. I look back on it and I, I wonder how we did it. There's just a lot going on, a lot going on. Having said that, I want to back up and just turn around and look back at childhood.

really seize the opportunities that you have in childhood if you're in that stage or you're approaching that stage or you want to be in that stage at some point in the future, because during those childhood years, especially early on, what mom and dad say is the law. I, I experienced this even as a coach. Coaching Little League, trying to help young guys learn how to play baseball and giving an instruction and having a. A child say to me, but my dad says, do it this way.

Oh. Yikes. What dad says is the law. Well, how do I coach this kid?

Because what dad has said and what I'm seeing is a little different, but anyway, just, just, I don't wanna detract from the point. The point is, is that it is a very, very powerful time for us as parents to speak and prepare our children for life and for eternity because what we say really, really matters to them. Now, skipping to the teen years, as parents, we have to understand as our kids develop and, all of us have been there. we begin to hear different voices, and we begin to pay attention, and we begin to ask questions.

There's just something that happens inside of us that that's what happens during that stage of life, sometimes a little bit earlier. But again, as parents, as we're evaluating, as we're preparing, set the foundation when they're young, but understand there are questions that they're going to be asking as teens that we need to be prepared to answer. It's, it's not just them resisting our authority. It's not just them being defiant.

It's a part of their development. And some of the questions we want them to ask, some of the choices we want them to make when we're there to shepherd them. As hard as it is, and I'm gonna say this with a loud, as hard as it is to, to see our kids make choices that are mistakes. That sometimes about ahead of time.

Sometimes as teens, you have to let them make those mistakes and be there to shepherd them on the other side. OK. All right, young adult. Helping them transition into maturity.

I have to thank Brother Alex here. His book is on the, on the recommended reading list here, but, help preparing them. He, he wrote a book, it's on the recommended, reading list, preparing them for college, preparing your teens for college if that's the way they're gonna go, but as, as just helping them in that transition into maturity, again, not adulthood on purpose. another characteristic of this stage is what I call graduation from the family payroll.

Financial independence. This is something that we want to see happen as parents, but we need to train them. We need to train them and it's never too late, OK? it's never too late, teach them how money works as you're preparing them for adulthood., one of the things that we did, was, we gave our kids an allowance starting very, very early, Larry Larry Burkett's ministry as well as the ministry of so many others.

Giving them an allowance very, very early and teaching them real, real basics depending on how young they are of how to use their money, and we basically have three categories. Give some, always first. Spend some, that's important, and save some. And it was funny with our younger kids, we always used to find that they would save more than they would spend.

so anyway, but that's preparing them for adult, transitioning from childhood all the way through young adulthood. And then moving on to, the empty nest phase, we're running short on time, so, empty nest, and I, and I, and I wanted to write that, and talk about it a little bit because, we, we, if we've created this great family environment and these amazing relationships with our kids. And we've spent 28 plus years in our case shepherding and being a parent. And then all of a sudden, the last one gets married like Kayla did in 2013.

It's kinda like, whoa. What do I do now? And there can be a great sadness. seeing your last child leave the nest, as much as there is celebration.

but But There's a lot of parenting left to do. There are a lot of opportunities to use what you've learned and to continue to grow and develop as a parent, and they're all around us every day. That's the point of listing this here. but as far as our kids are concerned, our relationship with our kids, embracing and fostering peer relationships with our, with our adult children, treating them as peers, doesn't, that will, will never It, it never dispossesses or erases the first three verses in Ephesians 6 and Deuteronomy, so there's always that respect there and understanding of the relationship, but for us as adults, as, as parents, beginning to see them as as mature people and having those types of conversations with them.

understanding that, man, by God's design, by God's hope, they've embraced the word of God. They've embraced saving faith. They're walking underneath the umbrella of God's authority. And which makes it easier for us to say, I don't have to be an authority figure in their life anymore.

But that's a part of this stage, the empty nest stage. They're under God's authority. They're not under my authority anymore. They're they're mature, so I don't speak to them as someone under authority like a parent speaks to a child.

Does that make sense? OK. Has to be intentional. It's so natural to slip back into authority mode with our kids, right?

encouraging fellowship in the gospel, seeing them as equals, again, saying the same thing, but some specific examples there, allowing your sons or sons-in-law to, to slip into the role that you might normally take, dads, as given the Thanksgiving and Christmas devo, some of us that might be like, wow, yeah, I can't look for, I look forward to that. I can't wait till that day comes. But, but, but then being willing to sit there and listen. And, not just listen, but take the heart, what your son is is saying to you, and, just embracing him as an adult and asking them for their counsel and advice on matters.

That's that's really a blessing. and something that we get to do as we move into this stage. And then spiritual parenting, and then, we're gonna go into our table talk time. just discipleship within the church.

And as I saw there, Ephesians 4:12-13, God's design, as Paul breaks it out, is that all of us develop into mature men into mature men and women until the image of Christ and, who better to do that than, than parents. Very well equipped to do that. I know Carlos spoke last week about, the opportunities to, for ministry, to, to minister to those who don't have parents in the Lord or those who don't have parents at all, our care groups, young people in our care groups, just taking them under our wing.

And being a parent type to them, spending time with them.

Lots to do, lots of ways to use these, these skills that we've developed, by this point in life. OK. All right. So let's, let's do a little table time and then we're, just a real quick table time.

anything here and then get your questions ready. It's time for Q&A. Mm Should I hit it? I just, I'll gloss over it.

3. OK, about 30 more seconds. Good. Yeah, table talk time, it's actually coming from baseball.

OK. Yeah, I was gonna think more of the question, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just something I picked up this year in spring training. our general manager called it the meeting after the meeting, and I, I put that on your notes as well.

We'll do that after we're done with our closing prayer, but, just to encourage, interaction, he, he, we actually had a session where he took a 10-minute break right after the introduction and said, OK, you guys go ahead and have the meeting after the meeting now. And then that way, we'll, it'll be more interactive when we come back together. So it just, I think activates a different part of our brain. Kim reminded me of something really, really important that I wanna go over, so I'll fly over real quick and then we'll go straight into Q&A and that's, I think it's letter H on your handout on mine.

It's covenant parenting. Again, not, not the most creative person, but, just it's, it's the in-law stage if you want to. When your, when your children get married and, that can be a very, very challenging stage. I chose Covenant parenting because Kim and I just, we were just never really comfortable with the whole in-law thing.

I, and I'm, I'm not trying to, dissuade anyone from using that term, but I wanted to see our, our, our married children as more our kids and a part of our family, and I, and I really commend that to you. looking at that stage as addition rather than subtraction, as I mentioned there. addition to your family rather than a subtraction instead of losing a son or losing a daughter in marriage, that you're gaining a son or gaining a daughter in marriage and giving some thought as a parent to that relationship, again, vision.

What type of relationship do I want to have with my covenant children?

I wanna treat them as daughters, I wanna treat them as sons. How do I do that? And Wayne Mack is, it's a res resource listed there, has written an excellent, very, very small book, but excellent on that for those of us who are in that stage and maybe it's not going so well. Or maybe we're approaching that stage, but, in line, encouraging children to leave and cleave, big deal, right?

Encouraging them to, to, to leave and cleave., those of us that have married kids, sometimes, especially our daughters, And I get that call Dads, you might get that call. you, you've been Don't take this literally, but you've kinda been the husband in their life. And, and now they're married to their husband, and he doesn't do things quite the way you do. And you might get those calls.

And anticipating that. How am I going to support my son-in-law in his leadership of his family? It's leaving and cleaving, and it's a two-way street. That's the main point of, of that., as I mentioned there, just building harmonious and re redemptive relationships with extended families.

the holidays can be tough. They can be tough For parents, we have to give some thought to that because now all of a sudden, our traditions, our practices need to be modified. how can we work together with our children and with our covenant child's parents and family? And ultimately, those of us that know, it's, it's that new covenant family, the one that gets caught in the crossfire.

And it can be really, really tough. So us as gospel parents being willing in all humility to, to work, to work through that. when would be a good time for us to spend time together respecting this new family. instead of, but we always do this at Christmas.

Don't destroy our tradition. And, it's, it's hard. It's really, really hard because those are some beautiful times for a lot of us as gospel parents. We always go on vacation together.

But we always celebrate Thanksgiving at Grandma's house. What do you mean you can't make it? So, anyway, just, just, just some food for thought there. OK, time for questions.

We'll do the, do our best to answer the questions that you have. Jonathan, that was quick. So the question is, how do you find time to develop vision and to evaluate your parenting in the midst of parenting when you have little ones that you need to attend to, you have to go to work, so on and so forth. Hopefully, I understand you correctly.

And, seizing opportunities along the way. Just trying to build it in, build it into your conversations with Shawna, Kim and I trying to build it in. At the same time, there was, there were some, there were some big, big times as we were approaching major changes in our family life, we, we had some time where we got away and that's what we did. And I highly recommend that to you, if you can., we we're we're in the marriage series, so this dovetails with the marriage series, but a practical part of our marriages is time alone together.

parenting is a huge part of what we do during your stage of life, our stage of life, but Paying attention to the marriage and, and also evaluating parenting is a big part of it as well. So, along the way, is the answer to your question, evaluating vision, but in the conversation with Shawna, even conversation if if they're, if you have grandparents, here, this just popped into my head. If your if your parents are there if there's someone who cares for your child, other than you and your spouse, having communication with them as well, a little bit deeper than, usually when you pick them up, it's, how did it go?

But, if there are things that you're noticing, ask them., if, if he's been struggling with frustration, how did he do, and, and, and encourage them to be a part of the process as well.

Hopefully, that helps. Anyone else have an answer to that? OK. All right.

Mhm. Right. Yeah, so to summarize, because it's being recorded, or to try to summarize, just asking the kids as a part, especially as they get older, asking them how your parenting is impacting them, how you're doing as a parent, understanding that they're young. And they're developing and they're maturing, and so there may be some things that need to be filtered, but having the humility, I guess, is really what I'm picking up to include the kids as a part of that process.

So, hopefully, I hit that well, you said you made a statement about having a philosophy of parenting. that's, that's, that's, that's huge. Thank you for sharing that, Kelly. So, Alan, I saw your hand and then I'm gonna get to you, OK?

OK? So what markers did you look for to to recognize a change was happening or that you were entering into a different phase?, I mentioned Eli earlier, And understanding that he's getting close to the training phase by seeing him his emotions begin to come out, differently than they do in maybe a typical one year old, time to start training him. some of the training is obvious like the sleep training and, potty training, those types of things. just, of course, paying attention to them and their abilities.

I think about, their abilities to contribute around the house. And having the patience to to to train them in that way and so, 22 year old Eli the other day, what, I think he's ready. Let me, he loves tools, so I'm gonna let him help me vacuum. it took 4 times longer than it would take for me to vacuum the space, but he loved it.

He got to play with the vacuum. He got a little frustrated because it's pretty big and, and hard to hold. So, again, just evaluating Alan as, as they're as they're doing, of course, continuing to study. And to read up on child development and how child children develop so that you have an understanding of of how Judah is, the signs that he's showing that he's ready to move into the next phase.

Kim would like to add to that. One friction. can be assigned and instead of just saying, oh this child. So for example, Laid out the close of the Now the 4 year olds having Getting threatened like they're they're angry about it.

I don't want to wear that I want. Well, a 4 year old should have some. So you're, over time, sometimes you don't realize they're changing until there's friction and then you have to ask yourself, OK, what's going on. Yes, they should be able to make some choices within a parameter.

Here's the free outfits you can choose. Cold outside. You need to wear this, you're. Sometimes that friction can Not all the time So to try to repeat what Kim said for the recording, sometimes it it's it's friction.

You notice there's friction between you and the child and it could be an indication, an indication that they're moving into a different phase. Kim used the example of of of being more concerned or more, yeah, intentional about what they wear., when they're, when they're 2 year old, you, you put clothes on them and, and they go and then you change them in the middle of the day because they always get dirty, but now all of a sudden, but doing that with parameters, so if you and Rachel decided that, Judah's not gonna wear his costume to church, then, you have to train him, today is not costume day.

Today, we worship, we wear these clothes, so, but, but friction can be a sign and, and instead of responding to the friction, us as parents asking what's going on? What's going on with the child?

Cause it's, we're we're relating to them, it's an intimate relationship. It is so easy to just get caught up in the friction that's going on with teens. The same thing, you kinda find yourself butting your head with your teen. all the time and and and so what's going on?

Well, it's it's, it's authority, it's it's it's control. it could be something else, sometimes I know, with myself and with our kids, just, you just kinda wanna have somebody to to compete with. And so everything turns into a competition. So, maybe it's time to, I'm gonna, I'm going to step out because it always takes two people to fight.

I'm going to step out of the fight and And, go ahead, go ahead, make those decisions. It can be really, really tough. I think you're capable of making that decision on your own. Instead of fighting them for it.

Certain things we draw the line, we're not gonna go there, but other things, what? We're not gonna do this, but in this area, you go ahead and make that decision. See, I, I saw your hand. This may be the last question here.

Our comment. Mhm, mhm. Mhm. OK.

tons of resources, to answer your question and to make sure it's recorded, some of us are new to the journey and new to Christian parenting. What are some of the resources that we can turn to to help us think through parenting in the Lord? And, to answer the question, I know these sessions are being recorded. Hopefully, they will be available soon.

Specifically, I have the handouts. From the previous session, so I do have the two handouts with me on the the two sessions that we had here on discipline. Also, the recommended resources, shepherding a Child's Heart, Age of Opportunity. I just, I, I feel like shepherding a child's heart should come, should be given to every or purchased by every pregnant, family or couple that there is.

That's that's how strongly, the message impacted us, the message of the gospel. And again, aiming for the heart. So I know that's that's that's a lot packed into a couple of sentences there, but, that if there's one, the main difference between Disciplining and instruction within in the Lord and anything else is the aim for the heart and not just for the behavior. What is going on beyond the surface, so.

OK, I'm gonna close in prayer. It's time to give our thought to worship coming up here. The meeting after the meeting will start after our closing prayer and it will last until about 10:20. So if you wanna stick around and ask more questions, make more comments, feel free to do so.

I'm not gonna run off, OK? Let's pray. Lord, first of all, just thank you for being here today, to the degree that, we have learned or been reminded or, had our, our thinking reshaped in any way through what was presented is all to your glory. I just thank you and praise you for being a, a, a faithful God, for being our Father, our Abba.

As it were, our spiritual parent. And regardless of where we come from, Lord, we can look to you. we can look in all 66 books of the word that you have given us and see, examples of you parenting your people. Lord Jesus, thank you for dying, for paying the penalty for our sins.

Lord, as we talked about, a part of our parenting is preparing our kids for eternity. We're so thankful that in you, as we have come to believe. We are prepared for eternity. Lord, if it were to be the case that as we ushered into the life to come, if you were to ask us, who will pay for your sins?

The answer is Jesus Christ. Thank you, Lord, for being willing to die for us. Thank you, Father, for, just for teaching us, for giving us instruction. For not just saying, figure it out on your own.

May we use your word and may it be. The material, the prime material that we commit and hide in our hearts to help us to be effective parents. Lord, we do pray for our children and our children to come. Just appealing to you, first of all, that you would save them, that you would give them the gift of faith.

And Lord, that you would pour out your spirit in their heart so that they can live lives that are pleasing to you. We ask all of these things in Jesus' name. Amen. Thank you for listening to this message, which is part of Cornerstone Fellowship Bible Church's weekly adult equipment school.

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More information about Cornerstone Fellowship Bible Church can be found on our website at www.cornerstoneBible.org. You can also call the church office at 951-781. 8174 or visit us at 1190 Columbia Avenue in Riverside, California. Once again, thank you for listening and God bless.