The Ministry of Apology (9 of 12)

How good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in, in unity, and to worship God, to lift up our hearts to Him in praise and in thanksgiving, and then, as it were to fall silent and to listen to Him, we worship Him as we listen to Him. And in that effort, let me invite you to turn in your Bibles to James chapter 5 for a time of study in God's word, where we will allow God to speak to us this morning, James. Chapter 5. We have been in recent weeks talking.

about the subject of forgiveness, giving forgiveness to those who have, have wronged us, and we have looked at the process of forgiveness, the four steps of forgiveness, and we completed that 2 weeks ago, and then Carlos Cuellart last week, topped it off with his message on love and loving one another. What I want to do this morning is essentially just take one Sunday today to put the shoe on the other foot and to talk about those situations in which we are the ones who have committed the wrong and it's the people in our lives around us who are having to make the decision about whether or not to forgive us of the wrong that we have done.

And the question that we'll try to address this morning is what do we do? What do we do to, when we've wronged somebody else to make their path of forgiving us simpler and easier?

And there's probably a list of things that we could say that we would do, but one of those things is what we would call apologizing. And that's what we'll talk about. this morning, if you want to give a title to the message, it would be the Ministry of Apology, the Ministry of Apology. How many of you just this past week have delivered an apology to somebody else?

Raise your hand. OK. How many of you should have but didn't? OK, good, good.

how many of you have had somebody apologize to you this week? Raise your hand. OK. this week started off for me.

I thought I was, I was actually on track at the beginning of the week to be apologizing and asking forgiveness every day this week. but the latter part of the week ended up being a little better than the beginning of the week, but I was doing a lot of apologizing and asking for forgiveness inside the walls of my own home. but this business of apologizing, is an important issue. We all know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a meaningful, humble, heartfelt apology, right?

We know how it melts our hearts and brings healing, and we also know what it's like to not be apologized to when we feel like that should be coming, or we're being apologized to but in a way that's wrong and not characterized by humility. And so. I think we all would say that we need to look at a subject like this when we're talking about the larger issue of forgiveness, and we probably all would definitely say that the people in our lives can use some teaching on the subject of apologizing to us.

Let me just say a quick word about the word apology to just help us out.

Classically defined an apology. Means something a little different than the way that we use the term today. There is a word in our English language that is lifted exactly just Syllable by syllable from the Greek language, and that is the word apologia or apologia. and, and to, to deliver an apologia is not to say I'm sorry, but it's to deliver a defense of one's actions, one's position, or one's beliefs, and we're actually called in First Peter chapter 3, verse 15.

To be ready to make an apologia. To anybody who is searching for the reason for the hope that lies within us. And so that's where we get the idea of apologetics. a Christian apologist, is not a guy who goes around saying, I'm sorry, I'm a Christian.

I apologize for my beliefs and the beliefs of all of my fellow Christians. There are actually some people out there. who are good at apologizing for Christianity and Christian beliefs, but that's not what a Christian apologist does. He's defending.

And so when we make an apologia to others, we're defending the rightness of our beliefs and the lifestyle that we live. So that's an apologia, but then there's the word apology that in, in terms of how this word is used today, Universally, almost we mean it to say something different than defending the rightness of our actions. If you look in any modern dictionary, the 1st and 2nd definition that you will find for the word apology is something like what you see on the screen.

It is a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

And so when you understand it in this way, you realize that the word apology is actually a beautiful word. There's a lot in this word that we as Christians can make great and rich use of. Because when someone apologizes in this sense of the term, There's 3 things that are happening. They're acknowledging a deed that has been done.

They're saying, Yeah, I did that, and, or I said that. They're acknowledging the wrongness of what they said or did, and they're also expressing regret, sorrow, remorse over what they did. When we say to someone, I'm sorry. What we're really saying is I feel sorrowful for the fact that I did that.

I, I, I'm telling you how I feel about the fact that I did that. What I did was wrong, and it grieves me. I feel sorry that, that I wronged you in this way. So it's in that sense that we use the word apology when we speak of the Ministry of apology.

Now, unfortunately, the reason we need to preach on this subject is, that none of us are naturally, innately good at apologizing, right? in fact, we hate to apologize. we look forward to apologizing the way that we would look forward to going to the dentist and getting a root canal. It at best, it is a necessary evil.

I messed up. I've got to go apologize. I hate this. I will do it, and I will do it as minimally as I possibly can, as quickly as I possibly can, and then hurry up and move on and move past, right?

And we just view apologizing to somebody as a necessary evil to be endured and to just get through as quickly. As we possibly can. My hope in this message is to radicalize our view of apologizing, to revolutionize our understanding of, both what it means to apologize and how meaningful this can be. A number of years ago in Newsweek magazine, there was a cover story on of all topics, apologizing.

And in that article, they gave samples of wrong kinds of apologies that celebrities and others might deliver in recent years, but in the article there was a statement that was made that just leaped off the page at me and has stuck with me ever since. Here's what the author said. Apologies are moral events that have real power to heal. Apologies are moral events that have real power to heal.

And I love the wording there that as Christians, we ought to latch on to something like that, apologies are not a necessary evil to be endured. But an apology is an opportunity to do something really amazingly powerful. Our thinking should be, I've messed up. I wish I didn't mess up.

I've sinned, I've hurt somebody and I wish that didn't happen. But now that it's happened on the other side of this, I now have an incredible opportunity to do something really amazing and really powerful. And that is to bring about by the grace of God, a moral event in the life of this person that I have wronged, that has tremendous power to heal. And so we'll look at this this morning.

but I want you to be asking right now and throughout this message, asking yourself this question, do the people in your life hear you deliver truly meaningful, humble, and heartfelt apologies? Do the people in your life, get the blessing of experiencing these moral events? That have power to heal that you have initiated on the other side of wrong that that you have have done. I hope through this message that you will be encouraged to apologize to the people that you have wronged, but I don't want you to just go out of here and start apologizing.

I, I hope this message helps you to apologize rightly, OK, because we all know that there's a lot of wrong ways to apologize, and there is a right way to apologize. In fact, let me just for the fun of it. Look at some wrong ways to apologize from my own pathetic history. This is, I've said in one form or another, virtually all of these, and I've been on the receiving end of virtually all of these.

Here's one, I was wrong, but so are you. So I'm acknowledging my wrong and while I'm at it, let me help you see the wrong that you have, have done. how about this? I was wrong, but you were the cause.

We may not use those exact words, but that's, we're very good at that. I was wrong, but I just want you to know your involvement in causing the wrong. I was angry and you made me angry. so we're shifting the blame onto somebody else that we are apologizing to.

how about this? I was wrong, but, I was having a bad day. I've had a bad year, plus my dad dropped me on my head when I was a child, etc. etc.

I want you to understand why I did what I did. Which is just amazing that we feel so burdened that people understand our sin. which on one level may not be a bad thing if it weren't for the fact that we're so uninterested in understanding the sins of other people. but if it's our sin, they need to know the story and what all led into it.

And so let me tell you my life story and how this and that and the other contributed to this failing of mine. By the way, I mentioned My dad dropped me on my head when I was a child because my dad actually did drop me on my head when I was a child. True story, I was young, he was flipping me. And my head hit the hard floor.

It freaked my dad out. He seriously thought that he had done serious damage and that I was brain damaged in some way. That was his fear. And in the months and years that followed, I gave him ample reason to think.

That indeed brain damage had been done. I had 3 other siblings who excelled academically. I did not when I was younger, and my dad didn't really push me as hard as he did then because he felt. He literally felt bad.

And I remember my brother one time my dad was getting on them because they got a B on the report card and And they're like, Well, why don't you get on Milton? He got even lower grades. And he says, Well, Milton has to work harder than the rest of you. But later in life, I began to excel academically, and my dad was greatly relieved.

So that's neither here nor there, but Knowing that about my past might help you to understand. My present behavior. But how about, how about this? I was wrong.

I sinned. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why God doesn't change me. What's happening?

Blame is being shifted to God, who's just not changing you fast enough. How about this? If I was wrong, I'm sorry. So I don't know that I actually did wrong, but I'll acknowledge the possibility that I did actual wrong.

And so I'm not even, you're not worth me even doing the work to know whether I did wrong or not. so if I did, let's leave it at that. I'm sorry. Closely tied to that is, if I hurt you, I'm sorry.

or I'm sorry I hurt you. And it's good to say I'm sorry I hurt you, but if that's as far as you go, and you're not acknowledging wrongdoing, we all know that that's falling short, right? In fact, sometimes the tone can be, I'm sorry that you are so thin-skinned that you were hurt by what I said. If you were hurt, then I'm sorry.

And so we're able to do that and keep our pride intact and still evade having to admit that we were wronged. How about this? I'm sure I sinned somewhere in this situation. I'm sorry.

So again, I know I probably did wrong, but we would never say this, but what we're saying is it's really not worth the trouble for me to know exactly what I did wrong. So let me just say somewhere I'm sure I did and I'm sorry. Let's, let's move on, or we'll try to be generic and just say I'm sorry about yesterday. OK.

husband and wife get into a nasty fight, say things that they shouldn't say the way they shouldn't say them, and the next day they both get up and the husband comes to his wife and says, hey, Sorry about yesterday. It's OK. So, so we can move on. And there's really no like Jesus didn't die for yesterday, right?

So we gotta, we gotta go further than that and deeper than that. What specifically did you do yesterday? How about this? I like this one.

OK, OK, OK. I'm sorry, man. again, you're not acknowledging wrongdoing. You're like, you just need to get off my back, and so I'll give you what you're obviously wanting an apology.

but we all know from experience that this never melts anyone's heart. have you ever said, OK, OK, OK, I'm sorry, man. And the person's like, Oh, that's so meaningful. Healing is now flowing, and, and I forgive you.

No, it's, it obviously doesn't work. It means absolutely nothing. And then there's one final example, and that is I was wrong. I sinned.

I hope you'll forgive me. Now, there's a lot to love about this, but by the time we're done this morning, we'll see that this still falls somewhere shy. Of what we should do when we apologize. So how to deliver a proper apology, we'll look at five things to make sure that you do when apologizing to somebody for a wrong that that they have, or that you have committed.

against them. Number one, confess your sin as sin. So, acknowledge specifically the wrong that you did, confess it and confess the sin as sin. In James chapter 5, James is telling us the path to healing, and he says, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed.

The destination is healing, but a part of the path to that destination is you confessing your sins to one another. This word confess literally means to speak the same. in other words, to say the same thing that God says about, about our sins. So when we confess our sin to God and when we confess our sin to one another, we try to use the same language that God uses about our sin.

And so we can paraphrase James' instruction in this way confess your sins as sins. Now, we're good at confessing our sins as something else. We may even call our sin good and defend it, or we'll, we'll confess, our sins as mistakes. We'll minimize it, or we'll confess our sins as understandable actions, and let me help you understand why I did what I did, or as defensible actions, or we'll confess our sins in vague terms, I'm sorry I got uptight.

Well, Jesus didn't die for uptightness, and you don't find that language in Scripture, and we can, we can confess sins, but in a vague sorts of ways. And James is also would tell us, don't, if you're going to confess and say the same thing God says about your sin, then that means you use His language and not the language of psychotherapeutic terminology. I really apologize for my codependency. Well, I don't want to knock on that word, because I think people are trying to describe something there, but Jesus didn't die for codependency.

You don't find that language in scripture. If you want to be a good apologizer and a good repenter before God and before others, you want to open your Bible, you want to read the Bible, because in the Bible, God helps you to understand your sin problem. He gives you the terminology, the language so that you can understand what it is. He gives you labels to identify, sins that might manifest themselves in your life.

He, he provides ample language and labels and scripture. So we should never be at a loss as to how to confess our sins as sins, very specifically to, to other people. So confess your sin to the person you're apologizing to be specific. And be biblical in your language tied to that.

Number 2 is when you apologize, make a big deal out of your sin. Make a big deal out of your sin. All of us naturally, we're born with the natural gift of making a big deal out of other people's sin. We're really good at that.

If, if God said, hey, here's my calling upon your life, confess the sins of other people, we would nail that. We all are naturally gifted with that. We're naturally gifted at confessing the sins of other people, and we're also naturally gifted at confessing our own virtues. and making a big deal out of our own virtues and righteousness, but to make a big deal out of our sin, that's something that requires the grace of God through Christ to be operative in our lives.

But we're taught to do this in Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, Jesus says, Why do you look at the speck that's in your brother's eye, but you're not noticing the log in your own eye? And what he's saying is, I don't care who you are, or which side of any conflict you're on, your sin is always the log, and the other person's sin is always in your opinion, to be the speck. You're always to make a bigger deal out of your sin, than the sin of, of other people. Jesus is modeling that he's teaching us that, here.

And what, it should be OK for us, of all people, Christians should have the greatest courage to make a big deal out of our sin, to confess it and to make much of our sin. why? Because we know that we're loved. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I can go there without fear, because I know that I am loved and in the embrace of God through Jesus Christ. And it's also OK to go there because in going there, and making much of my sin, I'm deepening my capacity to experience the grace of God in a more profound way. In Romans chapter 5, the apostle Paul tells us that where sin increase, grace abounds all the more, and he's talking about real sin that we commit, God's grace abounds all the more. But a principle that we can draw from that, that is affirmed elsewhere in Scripture.

Is that where our understanding of the magnitude of our sin increases, We thereby deepen our capacity to experience the grace of God. If you're looking at everyone's sins on a scale of 1 to 10 as a 10, and your sin as a 2, then you're only going to experience God's grace in your life to the level of a 2. And very likely, if you see your sin only as a 2, you're only going to experience grace from other people if you're lucky to the level of a 2, right? But if we make much of our sin, we deepen our capacity to take in the grace of God, and we're all the richer for, for that.

Paul Tripp, a number of years ago made a statement. he said, do not, do not make light of or minimize your sin. If you minimize your sin, you're minimizing what Jesus died for. Make much of your sin, because in making much of your sin, you're maximizing what Jesus died for.

We all have sounds. That grate on our nerves. The sound of fingernails on a chalkboard or for me, someone who's eating and they're pulling the fork from their mouth and their teeth hit the fork and it scrapes against their teeth, we all have sounds like that that just almost give us the shivers and grate against our nerves. in this context, I think I can safely say.

That that sound to Jesus that is equivalent to fingernails on the chalkboard that just grates. On him is the sound of one of his people for whom he died, making light of their sin. Minimizing their sin. sin that he died for.

Guys, whenever you apologize to somebody else and you confess your sin to them and you're speaking about your sin, You shouldn't just think about, I wonder how they're going to hear this. You need to realize Jesus is in the room. And how does this sound to him? Jesus is in the room, and he still bears the scars in his hands and feet and his side from the suffering that he endured when he gave up his life for these sins that I am now confessing and apologizing to this other person.

I dare not make little of these sins. True repentance never happens. In the life of one who is making light or little of their sin. So make much of your sin, and as Christians, we should have the freedom to, to do that.

It's OK. We're loved and it deepens our capacity to experience God's grace directly and His grace coming from Him through others to us as well. There's a third thing to make sure that you do when you apologize to, to those that you have wronged, and that is take full responsibility for your sin. Take full responsibility for your sin.

James says, confess your sins. Don't take the opportunity to confess the sins of other people and explain how those sins contributed to your own. sinful failings, you just confess your own sins and content yourself in that moment with, with doing just that. A lot of times we'll try to avoid confessing sin, but then if we do, there's no way out of it, and we must confess, yes, I did wrong.

We'll try to dish off some of the responsibility onto other people in order to lighten our load. Yes, I sinned, but I'm not fully responsible for this sin. Other people have made me do this. You have made me do this.

A great example of what our attitude should be is of the tax collector in Luke chapter 18, where he comes to the temple and Jesus said he stands a long way away from the temple. He cannot even lift his eyes up into heaven. He's beating his breast and he says, God be merciful to me, the sinner. And notice the literal language there, God be merciful to me, the sinner.

He could have said a sinner, and that would have been true enough. But in this moment, he's not even thinking that he's saying, God be merciful to me, the sinner. What he's saying is, I am the ultimate sinner here. And it's my sins and only my sins that I am thinking about before You, Lord, in your presence.

Be merciful to me, the sinner. I am sure this tax collector could have told a long story about his upbringing and how maybe his dad was a tax collector and he saw his dad at a very young age. His dad. He watched his dad cheating people and being greedy, and they, his dad influenced him, and I'm sure this tax collector had other people in his life who were greedy and, and corrupted his morals, and he could have told a long story of the sinful failings of everybody else that led him into this lifestyle of being a tax collecting cheat.

But he didn't do that. He came before God as the sinner. That's amazing to me. and to help you understand how amazing this really is, imagine parents that You've got a couple of children that are in their room and you hear them fighting, and it's just getting nasty, the, the fighting that's going on.

And so you come barging into the room and you open the door and you're like, what's going on here? who started this? What's the normal response that you can expect? Yeah, their hands will go up and they'll point at the other person.

That is the problem. There is the center that brought this whole thing about. But imagine instead of that, parents fantasize for just a moment with me. Imagine That you come in and say, break it up, what's going on here?

Who started this? Imagine that one of your children put their head down and said, what, Dad, what, Mom? Upon careful reflection, I realize that I am the sinner here. That's an utterly profound statement on their part.

You would probably pass out. I've never heard that sentiment in any fight that I've ever broken up. Maybe you've had that, that blessing as a parent. If so, please come talk to me.

I want to know what you do and learn at your feet. But what is a child saying by that? I am the sinner. What they're saying is, I'm not gonna point the finger at anybody else.

I am the sinner, and my, my focus goes nowhere beyond just me and my sin in this situation. This tax collector is taking full responsibility for his sins before God, and I'm sure that tax collector, when he left the temple and began to go to others and make amends with them and apologize and ask forgiveness from them, you can bet he had this same sentiment, and he's not blaming anybody else, but he's taking full responsibility for his sin. But again, it's very natural for us to dish off responsibility onto other people, to lighten the load.

We'll deny our sin altogether, but if we can't do that, we'll admit our sin, but then blame other people.

This is as old as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. After Adam and Eve sinned, God came to Adam and said, What, what have you done? And this is Adam's wording. And the man said, The woman The woman.

whom you gave. To be with me. She gave to me. And I ate.

And just by the sequence, if he could have typed it out, he probably would have typed it out similar to what you see on the screen just by what he puts first and gives prominence too, and it's at the very end that the admission comes out of him of his wrongdoing. Rebecca Manly Pippert in her book Hope Has Its Reason said something to the effect of Adam is so smooth. And so deft at this blame shifting that you would never guess that he is a rookie at sin. This is the first sin, and it just comes right off his tongue.

And shifting blame onto his wife. So this is natural to all of us, and we have to resist that impulse to blame others for our own sinful choices. Again, as Christians, we should have the freedom to take full responsibility for our sin because we know we're loved, we know we're accepted, so we can go there. I'm 100% responsible.

I'm not going to blame anybody else. And we know that we're loved. We know that we're forgiven if we have believed in Jesus, we are safe in the embrace of God on his lap, as it were. We also want to take full responsibility because as hard as it may be to take full responsibility and not blame other people.

We all know that when you start shifting blame to other people, you disempower yourself. You start putting power in the hands of other people, making them your masters. What you're basically saying is, I'm just their puppet. They do this and I inevitably do this, and if I'm ever going to change in these areas, I need them to change.

Why would you give your power away like that? So as Christians we want to take full responsibility because that's the place of hope. Rather than having to live our lives waiting on other people to change their behavior. Let me just challenge you guys with this that I think we would all be surprised.

You, you would be surprised probably to know the degree to which people in your life that, that you've wronged are walking around, feeling a sense of weight and responsibility for your sins. They'll never articulate it. They may not even be fully aware of it. But there are people around you probably blaming themselves for your behavior.

And asking, am I causing this? Is this because of me? Especially parents, if you have children, you have a 5 year old child, trust me, you come home from work one day, Dad, and you're just in the flesh and, and you're angry and speaking with anger and lashing out at your children. Trust me, your 5 year old's not sitting there going, I think Dad's had a rough day at the office.

And in fact, Dad's had a difficult year. His job security is in jeopardy and, and so that's, that's where he's coming from here. Now, your 5 year old is internalizing responsibility and our moments of anger, for example, we're basically screaming that message. We are communicating.

You are the reason I'm acting this way. And so if we're communicating that in our moment of sin, then when we apologize at some point, some way, we got to take that responsibility back. When we talk about taking responsibility for our own sins, what it usually means is we're, we're going to the people in our life that we have wronged, some of whom are walking around feeling the weight of responsibility. And we are lifting responsibility off of their shoulders, and placing them on ours.

We are rescuing them from that weight of responsibility. And putting it on our own shoulders. We've got a Savior who on the cross, He did nothing wrong. And he took all of our sin and put it on his own shoulders.

And when we come to somebody and apologize for the real wrongs that we have done, we're doing something really amazing when we reach out and we take responsibility that they're carrying, and we put that on us. There's a rescue. We're rescuing them. I've known of situations where just the way children's consciences work, where a dad, gets a little mad at his son in a given moment on a particular day.

The next day, everything's fine. The dad goes off to work, gets in an accident, and he's killed. And that sun. blames himself.

Why did Dad leave me? I made him mad yesterday. And he quietly carries that guilt. That's just the way that children's consciences work.

and so we just need to be aware of that, especially in the home and in our marriages and in other relationships that that we act in our moments of sin in a way to where we are communicating. You guys are responsible. So when you apologize, you've got to take that back. You got to rescue.

Those that you have wronged from any sense of responsibility for your sinful choices. There's a 3rd or 4th thing that we should do when we Apologize to other people, and that is that we should grieve with the person that we've hurt. We should grieve with the person. that we have hurt.

when we sin against another person, inevitably we've caused pain. We've caused some level of grief, we've caused some level of hurt. And so to apologize embodied in a true apology is some recognition of that and some address of that hurt. We saw back in Romans 12, where Paul says weep with those who weep, right?

And we're like, oh yeah, I can do that. I see someone weeping and I go over to them and I empathize with them and I join them in weeping. That's exactly what Paul's saying. But I think Paul would also say, hey, there's people around you.

that are weeping Externally Inwardly in various ways, visible and invisible, there are people around you that are grieving. In response to sins that you've committed against them. And a part of what it means to grieve with those who grieve is to move towards those that you have grieved. And to join them in their grief and to grieve with them.

As they grieve. We know what it's like, don't we, for someone to come to us and say, I'm sorry I did wrong. And they're not the least bit interested. And the hurt that they have caused.

The apology, while it's well intended, does not address the hurt. They don't seem interested at all. I want to encourage you that when you apologize to someone, confess your sin, take full responsibility for your sin, make a big deal out of your sin, and also give thought to the hurt that your sin caused. And in your apology to say, here's how I think as I've been thinking about it and praying about it.

Here's how I'm imagining that what I did would have hurt you. But even as I'm sharing this with you, I'm sure that you're hearing this and saying, that's not even the half of it. And if it's not even the half of it, I want to know. Tell me.

and you try to draw them out. It's like you become a student of their hurt. You're interested in their hurt, and you want to grieve with them in their grief, and ultimately you want their hurt inside of you. That's when healing can happen in a powerful way.

So grieve with those that you have grieved. I remember. A few years ago reading A story that was written by a woman whose husband had committed adultery, and it was discovered, he confessed, he repented, she forgave him. And this guy, this husband, just started going gangbusters for the Lord, just walking in the joy of the Lord, and he's being changed day by day.

And in a lot of ways their marriage was reaching a level it had never reached before. There was so much to rejoice in. Everything that this wife ever wanted in a husband she was seeing unfolding and coming to pass. But she shared how that one particular day she was sitting on the deck on the back of her house just looking at the landscaping towards the back of the house.

And she found herself to her dismay, fuming with anger and bitterness. And begrudging her husband the joy that he was experiencing in Christ. And she was feeling left behind. God, you're working and my husband, he's growing and everyone's excited about what's happening in his life.

and here I am stewing in this hurt and then this anger, and she was like begrudging him this joy. But then she shared that right at that moment as she was pondering that and sensing that distance and aloneness, her husband. came out onto the deck and he had a magazine in his hand. And he handed the magazine to her and opened it up and he said, Honey, I I was just reading an article by a woman whose husband committed adultery, and she is sharing in this article about her experience and the struggles that she had after the adultery was confessed and so forth.

And he said, can, can you read this and tell me if You've experienced any of this? And this wife who's writing her own article. She said that she didn't even need to read the article. She did read it, but she said instantly.

She felt the anger dissipate. And she didn't feel alone anymore, because she had a husband who was not leaving her behind in her hurt, but who actually moved towards her and said, can you read this and tell me if you feel this? And so she read it and they talked, but even before she read it, there was healing, because he was willing to move towards her and enter into her hurt and her grief, and he was ready and willing to grieve with her as she grieved. guys, we, we can give that gift.

To other people, we know what it's like to receive that gift. But we have the opportunity to create a moral event that has tremendous power to heal that includes grieving with those who grieve. Now let me just say that not everyone grieves in the same way. Someone may be sobbing as a result of a sin you committed against them, and so they're grieving.

I'm going to grieve with them as they grieve. Just know that not everyone grieves that way, so don't assume that they're not bawling that they're not grieving. And ladies, it's a rare husband who says, honey, you hurt my feelings. they're going to carry their grief differently than the way that you would carry it, so don't assume because they're not acting the way that you might act when you grieve that they're not grieving at all and that they don't have hurts.

So be a student of those that you've wronged and try to enter into their hurt and own their hurt and make it your goal. I want to know all of it. That's a part of me understanding the magnitude of my sin. I want to know the hurt that I've caused, and I want this hurt.

Inside of me. I want the tears that form in their hearts to fall from my eyes. There's a 5th and final thing to make sure that you do when you apologize to others, and that is ask for forgiveness and wait for an answer. Don't just say, I hope that you will forgive me.

No, ask, will you forgive me? my wife and I, we don't settle for anything less from each other than, will you forgive me? I'm sorry, is not good enough. Even I hope you will forgive me, is not good enough.

Guys, there's almost nothing in life that is as vulnerable. As saying to someone you wronged, I've sinned against you. Will you forgive me? And then to wait.

For that reply. When you ask someone, will you forgive me, what, what's happening is there's a transfer of power that's taking place. As it were, even if this is not your literal physical posture, you're basically bowing before them, with your head bowed as you kneel before them, and you have just handed to them the power to forgive or not forgive. To extend their hand and grant forgiveness or to withhold their hand.

You've just empowered. that person. And that transfer of power is a critical element of true humility. If I just said I'm sorry, then I can evade that vulnerability.

If I say, I hope you'll forgive me. I can avoid that vulnerability, but to say, Will you forgive me and to wait for the reply. is a vulnerability that is profoundly redemptive. Parents, this is such a gift that we can give to our children.

I remember a number of months ago in our man forum, we were talking about forgiveness and apologizing, and I asked the men in a room of probably 30 guys, just how many of you grew up in a home where you have even one memory of your dad. Truly, humbly apologizing and asking for your forgiveness. And in that room of about 30 men, two hands went up. Most of the men in that room have no memory of their dad ever repenting in front of them and asking for their forgiveness and giving them any power to grant or withhold forgiveness.

I've messed up in a ton of ways as a dad and as a husband. One way that I would not want to mess up. is that my children grow up in my home. And they don't know what it's like to have a dad.

Apologize and ask for forgiveness, no excuses, and wait. For a reply. And for our children to grow up knowing what that's like, and our children will be uncomfortable, they say, no, no, no, it's OK. It's OK.

No, no, no, no. Will you forgive me? Will you extend your hand? Forgive me.

That's very uncomfortable for a child. But it's riveting, it's powerful. It's unforgettable. We all want our children to grow up and be good repenters, right?

And if that's what we want, we have to model repentance and humility. And so ask for forgiveness. And I throw in here, wait for a reply because sometimes we don't want to wait for a reply. Has it ever happened that you're like, man, you're so focused on the wrong of the other person and, and, and then God does a work of grace in your heart, and he's like, forget about their wrong, focus on your wrong, you're like, OK, I'm going to focus on my wrong.

And all right, Lord, I see how I've sinned, and he says, now go to that person and ask their forgiveness. And so our flesh is kicking and screaming, and we're barely holding at bay, focusing on their wrongs. And we try to stay focused on our wrongs, and we go to that person in humility, and we're feeling pretty good about our humility. And we say I send.

Here's how I sin. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? And that person has the audacity to delay.

And to still be angry. And with many of us, we would say this has happened, where then that's when the dam breaks and we're like, do how hard you are to forgive? Have you thought about all the things you've done wrong? how hard I'm working here to just do what I'm doing and, and what started off as a humble act of apology ends in another nasty fight, right?

true forgiveness is, will you forgive me? And what, if you're not prepared to forgive me right now, that's OK. I'll wait. And, and mine and Donna's marriage over the last 25 years, any time, any time she has ever come to me and said, I have sinned, will you forgive me, that instantly melts my heart on every occasion throughout our entire marriage, except one time.

And one time several years ago, I was pretty just struggling inwardly, and she came to me and she said, I've, I've sinned against you, and here's how, and I'm very sorry. Will you forgive me? And for the first time, like I didn't reply. My heart did not melt instantly, and I didn't say, no, I forgive you.

I was still, I was still angry. And she could have said, How dare you? because I didn't answer right away, and it could have turned into a fight. But I'll never forget what she did.

She said, I, I see that this is hard. And I understand. And however much time this takes, it's OK with me. Instantly My heart melted.

Like, I needed her to say that. And the anger dissipated because in that moment she was conveying, I think I understand the hurt. And I understand that it takes time. That's a gift she gave to me in that moment.

That's a gift that we can give to other people, guys. Just summing up, apologizing is not some necessary evil. They just, I got to do it. Let's get it done as quickly as possible.

By the grace of God, we have an opportunity to bring about these moral events. And the lives of the people that we have wronged, that have tremendous power to heal, embrace these opportunities. Yes, we wish we had never messed up and sinned, but now that we have, we still have a chance to do something drastically powerful, and that is apologize in true humility in the ways that we have seen. Let's go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help us to live this out.

If you're here today and you've never come to God and to reconcile with him, just come to him in the very spirit we're talking about, Lord, I've sinned, I've sinned against you. I'm gonna call it what it is. I'm fully responsible, no one else is to blame. This is a big deal.

And Lord, I'm asking, I need forgiveness. I need grace. I need deliverance. Be my Savior.

God says a person who does that. They walk out of this room righteous. May God give us the grace to do this toward Him. And towards one another.

God, we just thank you for your word, the help that we find in it, we need your help. We need you, Lord, that we, to speak, and we need you to speak to us on every level. And we thank you for the levels that you have spoken to us today. You're a good God, and we love your voice.

We love your voice. Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity also to give of our offerings to you. Receive these funds, Lord, and do much with them. For the glory of Jesus, we ask these things in His name, and all God's people said,